Tuesday, December 05, 2006
The Essence of Conflicts
Having interpersonal fights seems to be very common, adding up a host of difficult emotions to our daily life: anger, mistrust, loneliness with all kind of sad endings. Frustrated relationships make us depressed, isolated and unhealthy.
Let's see how the world works:
Interpersonal relationships need constant nurturing and caring. Once you forget this basic rule, you will be surprised by the endless variety of methods the other person will develop to get your attention, some of them good and positive and others obnoxious and even risky
All is preferable to being ignored!
People will get sick, get into work-related problems and even drink in excess, all not to be left alone.
When teenagers rebel, they are trying to discover the limits and to practice stretching them... For nervous fathers, this is a confrontation to the end; they become frightened and try to produce rigid limits, putting themselves on the line. If the conflict escalates, it becomes a different thing: the old story of the young having to destroy the power of the old, to be able to grow takes over. Of course nobody wants this, but they don't know what else to do but to escalate their positions and fight to protect their own pride, until someone gives up; at this point there is little remaining of the relationship.
A broken heart is more than a piece of popular literature, but a reality: the physical consequences of confrontation and fighting are felt much longer after a strong discussion ends, in a physical way. The consequences of angry conflicts can literally kill you with a sudden heart attack.
If you have had several "deadly combat situations," you know that you could end up more lonely and isolated than before.
If you win, you are left with an empty victory, because it does not bring you more love, or more respect. Even then, we continue to believe that we need to fight to win, and when we do, we end up more alone.
Paradoxically, by "winning over the others," you lose big time, in aspects not identified before.
Could there be another solution to process our differences rather than to have a winner and a loser? Is it possible for you to get what you want or need, without fighting?
Would you like to do this negotiation and have the other person's cooperation and support?
With a little work you can understand first what you are doing in a manner that is unproductive and ineffective, and secondly to learn what has to be done in a more intelligent way.
You can win the logical battle, AND PAY THE PRICE AFTER: the result is to become A WINNER, and be left without love or recognition!
Are we fighting without knowing why?
We fight with the people we love because we are begging for something from them: We desire their acceptance, respect, and proper placement in our groups, families and all what is included in our definition of "love".
If you can get to see how raising conflict is a way of relating to others, and is our way of crying out for support, and recognition, then you can change your response. If you ignore this basic fact, you will be enmeshed in extremely nasty situations, which bring even more pain. If you could accept this situation in your own life and learn from it, asking yourself: What is the hidden need that prompts this reaction?
then you will be in the good path!
WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT CONFLICT?
Our new e-book "The Art of Positive Conflicts: Transforming Confrontations into Relationship Harmony" offers lots of tips and positive conflict responses for you to learn and apply.
Go to: http://www.positiveconflicts.com/pcv2
This site is designed for individuals experiencing high levels of inter-personal conflict, for persons needing to change their "Difficult Person" image, or for individuals fearing rounds of negotiations and deal-making with angry opponents such as ex-spouses and other "enemies."
You will live without fear of conflict through the good ideas, suggestions and techniques included in the Conflict Mastery Program offered by http://www.positiveconflicts.com
Posted by Neil Warner at 2:28 PM