OUR VERY DEEP HUMAN NEEDS

In our development, the needs we need to solve to be able to grow up succesfully can be summarized in this list. So, perhaps you can think on how your own needs are NOW being provided for.

Defining the Six Human Needs

Need # 1 - Love & Connection

This is the need to experience bonding, sharing, feeling a part of, oneness, intimacy, at one with, etc. Someone has to love us! Edward Hallowell says that connection is as vitally important to us as Vitamin C.

Need # 2 - Significance

This is the need to experience a sense of being needed, feeling important, sense of meaning, sense of purpose, uniqueness, etc. We need to experience that what we do or share matters. Notice how this need contrasts with need # 1.

Need # 3 - Certainty

This is the ability to produce, eliminate, or avoid stress; or create, increase, or intensify pleasure. It's also about security and survival. To know that the basic things are there for you, and there is no lack of them.

Need # 4 - Uncertainty / Variety

The need for surprise, difference, diversity, challenge, excitement, etc. Notice how this need contrasts with need # 3. We all need this excitement!

Need # 5 - Growth

This is the need to continuously fulfill potentials, to "be all that you can be." This need drives you to become the "most complete you" possible.

Need # 6 - Contribution

This is the need to help others to be fulfilled (to help others meet their six human needs in a constructive way). It's possible to meet any or all of these six needs by changing either your:
Perception (belief or appreciation of) . You do this by working on your basic beliefs: if they are negative self-percetions, then you need to change them.

Procedure (vehicles or approach to). You need to do things in a different way, to achieve needs satisfaction. Stopdenying that your needs are ignored, and do something!

In a relationship as challenging as one with a PA person, ignoring your needs is almost the automatic survival decision that we do. It is always the most damaging....we need to care for our needs in order to survive and care for others.

Are you being punished with isolation?

Is this a case of cold shoulder? Are you being punished with isolation?

The silent treatment is a form of social punishment. It consists of ignoring a particular individual, neither speaking to them not responding to their words.

Is equal to avoid deliberately; keep away from; an aloof refusal to speak to someone you know.

Maintenance of aloof silence toward another as an expression of one's anger or disapproval: a deliberate discourteous act (as an expression of anger or disapproval) can really hurt. If you are tempted to use this sanction against your partner, know that it can be lethal for the relationship.

Are you getting the cold shoulder, but you don't know why? Is someone who's normally eager to speak to you now keeping your conversations to the bare minimum? This can be hurtful, frustrating, and confusing. Here's how to confront the person who's ignoring you without making things worse.

Steps
Make sure you're not just being paranoid. Perhaps he or she is being quiet because someone in his family is ill, or she's having personal problems. In this case, you shouldn't take it personally - let them have their space. But, you need to worry if this person is:

• only acting quietly towards you and not towards others,
• and for an extended period of time,

Question your own behavior. When did they start giving you the silent treatment? What happened that day, or the days right before their behavior changed? Could you have done or said something that was insensitive? Did something change? Try to understand what could've set off the silence. Narrow it down to a few possibilities and try to think of how you can fix the situation, if the problem is real and it happened and you can see it.

Rehearse what you're going to say. It's easy to get nervous and/or defensive, or to come off the wrong way, if you aren't prepared. Close your eyes and imagine you're alone with this person and say out loud what you want to say.

Begin by apologizing if you did something to offend or hurt the person, even if you're not sure what it is. Say something like "Look, I'm sorry if I've done or said something stupid to you."
Tell them that you value their company or friendship. (E.g. "I've really enjoyed spending time/working with you.")

Let him or her know that if something's bothering them, you're all ears.

Offer to leave them alone. After all, a silent treatment indicates that he or she no longer wants to speak with you for whatever reason. If they won't share or discuss the reason, there's not much else you can do. Just have the person confirm openly that he or she wants you to stop talking to them. If they say yes, they want you to leave them alone, then leave them alone. If they say no, or not really, or I'm not sure, then say something like "Well, what's going on? Maybe we can figure something out together."

Speak to the person when you're alone and are unlikely to be interrupted. Then get to the point: "I care about you and the relationship, and keeping silent will not help us reconnect. Can you tell me what is wrong?"

A WORD OF CAUTION:

If there is no dialogue after your honest attempt at reconciliation, the capacity of your partner of hoarding anger and righteous indignation is scary. He wants to be right, not to re-connect. If this happens very often, then it will be for her a means of controlling you and transform you in a human wreck. If there is no negotiation, you need to have a careful look at the situation, and evaluate the impact of this moral pain in your health. Is this relationship worth this kind of stress? You got together because you wanted support, company and recognition; if you get punishment and isolation, what is the point? something is very wrong here, and you need to be self protective, so explore carefully the possibility of getting external help for this relationship.

What happens with you if you are related to a PA person?

Interactions with a passive aggressive person can leave you feeling emotionally drained, dejected, and distressed. But, so does PMS. So, how do you know if the relationships in your life are to blame for your unhappiness? There are indicators that point to passive aggressive behavior. In order to accurately judge your relationships it is important for you to recognize the signs.
They include:
- Unexpected, unprovoked outbursts that are often exaggerated and disproportionate to the issue at hand
- Isolation or pouting
- Dismissing your feelings
- Ignoring or blocking you from communication
- Being sensitive and caring one minute; acting aggressive the next

These behaviors are not only confusing and hard to accept, but they damage your confidence and self-esteem. The vicious passive aggressive cycle can take its toll on you, slowly altering your personality, until you barely recognize your own actions. You feel depressed, you might cry or yell more often than before, you feel out of control.
If you think passive aggressive behavior is the cause of your unhappy situation there are steps you can take to resolve it. You can learn the conflict resolution skills you need to manage your life again.

Do you want to deepen your relationship with your loved one? Do you want to stop the confusion you feel about your love life? Do you want to regain the magic you had when you first fell in love? Of course you do! And, you can learn how today by following the easy steps outlined in this e-book.

If you are ready to break free of the chains of emotional bondage, if you are tired of feeling humiliated and alone, if you are ready to take control of your emotional well-being once and for all, then this e-book is for you.

"My head feels confused and my thoughts are consumed with concerns about his behavior, attitude, and actions. I am trying to deal with it. I have read other books and internet sites but I end up with conflicting messages. Some say "set limits" others say "remain passive." Remaining passive seems to work best with my husband. If I try to set limits it only gives him more reason to abuse me. He rants and raves and throws things at me. If I agree with him, then he doesn't have a chance to turn on me. If I disagree with him, he can’t take it and reacts more abusively. I am beginning to wonder if he is worth it. I planned to stay with him, but I don't want his abusiveness to ruin my life. We have five young children, which makes it tougher to deal with. What can I do?"

Are you ready to learn how to negotiate and communicate with your loved one like never before? Do you think NOW is the time you have been waiting for to make that change? If the seemingly non-stop confrontational episodes have taken their toll on you and you are prepared to fight back for the love of your life, then this e-book will show you the way.
www.passiveaggresive.com