Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Passive Aggressive Denial of Intimacy Hurts the Couple... so why does it happen?

Sex as a means of control is something many women struggle with in a passive aggressive marriage, although it is a sensitive and private matter that most don’t want to share (understandably). Passive aggressive husbands can almost always get their desired outcome by withholding sex as punishment - 
it is a punishment that a victim will usually feel guilty about recounting!

If you suspect this is happening to you in your marriage, here are some facts. It’s a simple and unfortunate truth that as a way of frustrating you, and retaining control of the relationship, your passive aggressive husband will at some point show no interest in sex, exactly when you feel that the two of you are connecting and happy together. Sometimes it might be after a nice day with the kids, or a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant.

So, if it’s passive aggressive punishment, why does there seem to be even less notice than usual? Most often, sex is withheld as punishment because of something that happened during the day that your husband cannot express to you emotionally. It could be that he felt emasculated by you taking control of punishing the children, or that he resents spending money (even when spent on himself, too). The take-away point here is that it usually has NOTHING to do with sex itself. In other words, you don’t need to lie in bed wondering whether you’ve “lost it.”

What happens when you lie awake worrying like this is that the punishment 100% does what it was meant to do. Your husband’s passive punishment turns into something you do to yourself. You punish yourself by telling yourself you’re not thin, attractive, satisfying enough. At that point, he has effectively controlled the situation and your ideas about your own self-worth.

Something wives wonder at this point is how the passive aggressive man views sex. It’s a good question to ask. Something to remember is that for the passive aggressive man, sex means vulnerability (because it’s intimate). He feels that withholding sex will prove his independence and hide his fear of rejection....

In short: the dynamics has to do more with an internal battle raging inside the husband, which prevents him from being spontaneous and playful, and promotes being guarded and cold. So, no need to blame the wife; there are more hidden reasons for this "love freeze" to happen!

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