Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Question and Answer about:

 "Sex in a Passive Aggressive Marriage"

Dear Nora:

I am leaving a 22 year marriage for this very reason. He has been a good provider and has been able to grow and make progress in some areas, but not this one. Despite recognizing his PA and going to a counselor off and on (more off) for several years - no progress in the bedroom!
It is the thing that hurts me more than anything and he knows it. Even though we discussed it more times than I want to count, and I let him know that it is killing the marriage, he refused to deal with it. Never even discussed it with the counselor. Didn't do any research on his own or treat it like something that really needs fixing.
He was too angry at me for not being satisfied with what works for him. Sex is for a man - wives are NOT supposed to have their own separate needs. I was supposed to be all about meeting his needs while he remained completely ignorant of mine.
I gave him plenty of time to grow up and get over his ego. I showed him what really great sex can be like and let him know a few simple things that would make it really nice for me. Nope. He would play along the one time and say how much fun it was - then "forget" everything.
I am convinced that PA men just want a body to use while they play out their fantasies in their minds. It ruins it for him to be actually present with me. Having to recognize my unique desires and pay attention to whether or not I am responding to his "programmed" routine makes sex unappealing to him. He would rather do wthout. 
You've heard that a PA man will have sex with you, but will never make love to you, and it is true. Their egos are so fragile that you can not even bring up the subject. They must punish you for hurting Them. He is so focused on himself that he doesn't have anything left over to offer me.
He  understands that I completely catered to his needs for years without complaint. He even says I am justified to feel this way. But he cannot get over himself enough to act. I have broached this subject  on this site before and got no feedback. Sex is still such a taboo subject  - even in the context of marriage. I hope this post opens a much needed dialogue.

Dear Linda,
many thanks for your invitation to a dialogue here and now, on this issue. As you know, I've been dancing around this issue, but never addressed it with the honesty and depth that you are asking for.
It's not only that there might be a bit of taboo around the issue of sex...is that, in the context of a passive aggressive relationship, is painful as hell.
It is the most hurtful issue you can bring up....
Sex is emotional connection at the deepest level....when it is based on love. Other versions can be more superficial, but even in that case, you get touching, and this forgotten sense, -touch- is really important for our sense of being connected and loved. What this sex rejection brings is the deprivation of being touched and connected at such a basic level (too raw to be described with words), that only can be perceived as a hideous frustration of the most basic need: to be seen.
He doesn't look at you, he doesn't touch you in any meaningful, heartful way, and the core of what you are, your sexual self, is avoided and ignored.
This is the basic hurt here; it's not that you want "sex" as he can accuse you of: is the deeper sense of connection that means that you are together with another human being, defeating the basic human solitude for once, that you (and we all) are looking for.
I have no words for this lack; for this deeper human connection deprivation that renders all others forgettable. Is so offensive, so damaging that only thinking that only a very crippled, damaged person can do it to another can make it a bit understandable....because he has to kill the sense of pleasure and life connection within himself in order to be able to do it to you.
At this point, my only thought is asking the basic question: if we are in life to learn and to experiment with increasing forms of love and connection, and he is precisely blocking you from this life aspect, what is your main duty? Are you obliged to help him keep the reciprocal frustration up?
or is it for you to find other ways to get the gentle touching and loving connection that you need in order to learn and thrive?
Only you can answer this question: who are you loyal to? to your own life goal of happiness and growth? or to his convoluted way of frustrating meaningful sexual connection for both? and it looks like you've made your decision now.

No comments: