Saturday, July 21, 2012

When Your Passive Aggressive Husband Breaks His Promises

Someone recently reminded us that getting a man to admit his passive aggression is only half the problem - you also have to get him to stick to his promises to work on his behavior and change. Many women have suffered the pain of thinking he will change, then having to sit and despair as he doesn’t budge after showing the counselor a pretty smile.

Many women feel frustrated by this because it reduces the marriage to micromanagement - the wife constantly has to remind the husband of their agreements, of his goals, of his promises and the pain. The trust and intimacy levels remain the same, regardless of “modification” of his behavior. In this case, what is the Plan B? What is your backup plan?

If your husband is here, we do not encourage fruitless labor or extended and exhausting efforts to remind him that he needs to change. In creative writing, there is a saying: show, don’t tell. The same applies here. If you cannot trust your husband to change, do not expect him to - hope for him to see for himself, and relieve yourself of the burden of that responsibility. In this case, though every situation is different, what it may be best for you to do is show him the extent of the situation by leaving or taking a break in some way. 

If he is continually breaking his promises to the counselor and to you, that means he isn’t taking that promise seriously or saying it in good faith. It is only meant to fool you, and should not be used to convince you of anything. Don’t listen to what he’s telling you, pay attention to what he’s showing you. Threatening to leave will only escalate the situation - instead, explain calmly that you need more from this relationship and that you deserve better than being taken advantage of. 

Is important that you remember to take care of your own self-esteem, while you assert yourself and your needs in front of him .

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