I have been receiving lots of letters from women readers at my Q & A section or my blog at:
Reading these letters, it was clear that most of them spent years and years in the same situation, suffering the isolation and lack of intimacy, after finally realizing they were stuck in a passive aggressive marriage.
Why do they wait so long?What is inside them that makes them to wait and wait for a change that is never forthcoming?
Perhaps is there something you learned about your role in the world, and in relationships, that makes you prone to take this punishment without protesting?
Reading Karla Downing, while explaining the three reasons codependents try to fix their difficult loved ones' problems, we can learn that:
You feel responsible for other people and as a result
You do things they should be doing for themselves.
If you feel responsible for other people's emotions, reactions, thoughts, and choices, you have to remember you are only responsible for caring for them which includes helping them to take care of their responsibilities and obligations, speaking the truth to them, and doing loving things that are healthy, and promote their self-reliance and competence. Nothing more, otherwise, you will be replacing them and teaching them to avoid their own responsibilities.
You aren't willing to allow other people to suffer.
If you are badly tempted to jump in and fix their problems so they won't experience the consequences of their choices, you are preventing them from learning. Accept their struggles as necessary life lessons they need to go through, so they can mature.
You can't handle your own emotions.
When you feel fear, guilt, anxiety, discomfort, worry, or panic, you will attempt to do something to fix the problem to get rid of your uncomfortable feelings. The only way to not fix is to increase your ability to deal with all your emotions that arise in your relationship. Learning how to cope with your own discomfort is another way of respecting them to do the same. Remember that learning to deal with our own emotions is part of life's lessons to be learned by all us, so let them do exactly that.
Now, of course, you will ask:
How do I do all that?
Well, a good starting point is to read some books, learn meditation, center yourself and make a purpose to learn this lesson....