Is Your Passive Aggressive Spouse Sabotaging You?

A spouse that demonstrates passive aggressive behavior will always show hostility to his mate in an underhanded way. Some examples include procrastination, deliberate forgetfulness, making you feel like you are the problem in an otherwise "happy relationship," and lastly, hidden efforts at sabotaging her projects..

Two examples of sabotage from a passive aggressive spouse are the husband that secretly destroys his wife’s diet, and the husband that systematically comes home so late to watch the kids, that his wife is unable to go anywhere else she wants to.

Julie has been working hard to shed the weight she had gained after having a daughter last year. She cut out junk food and sweets from her diet and began working out twice a week. Her husband, Mike, feels threatened by Julie’s determination to look better, and begins bringing home chips and candy for snacks. He knows that Julie loves chocolate, and encourages her to have dessert after dinner. He does this all in a seemingly nice way, telling her that she deserves a break from her diet. While it may seem thoughtful of Mike, he is really blocking her efforts to lose weight.

Carol attends craft club meetings once a week after work. Her neighbor usually watches her son while she’s gone, but this week her neighbor is sick and unable to babysit. So Carol asks her husband John to be home by 6:00 so she can make it to her meeting on time. Carol gets ready for her meeting and patiently waits for John’s return home. It’s 6:00 and John is not home. He comes home an hour later and Carol misses her club meeting.

Why does John do this? He is a passive aggressive spouse who felt jealous that Carol was making new friends in her club. He purposely comes home late in order to sabotage Carol’s efforts to go to her meeting. What he really fears is her becoming a bit more independent from the home, the kids and her wifely duties...

He needs to present his intentions in the best possible way, so he also gives her an excuse saying that he needed to help out a friend at work and couldn’t possibly get home in time. That way, he is the victim and she can’t be mad at him.

When a passive aggressive spouse feels threatened with the inevitable changes that life brings to each one of us, he often will find ways to secretly sabotage his mate's personal development. He doesn't want to change, and he intends to block his spouse from developing herself...

This is a very self-defeating position in a marriage, which is a relationship based on both sides' commitment to help the other grow up and become the person he/she needs to become.

Control in a Passive Aggressive Marriage

Before Jill and Dan were married, Dan was a stand up guy. He was caring, loving, affectionate, and never forgot an anniversary. Lately though, it seems as if Dan is a completely different person. He has become totally unreliable and disconnected. While he used to be open and attentive, he is now negative and critical.

When Jill asks Dan to do something, he rarely follows through. He also criticizes almost everything Jill does and she never feels like she is good enough. Dan belittles Jill by making sarcastic comments to her, even though it hurts her. He then puts down her feelings by saying she is too sensitive.

This is a classic example of a passive aggressive marriage. What Dan is doing, is taking his anger out on Jill in an indirect way. He puts her down to bring himself up. But he does it so indirectly that it is hard to distinguish.

One of the reasons for a passive aggressive marriage is the need for control. A passive aggressive husband, like Dan, definitely has a ego. Moreover, he doesn’t view Jill as an equal. To him, a relationship is not a partnership, but instead, it is a competition. He wants to be better than Jill and does so by hurting her passively.

When having an argument, the passive aggressive spouse needs to win and will manipulate the situation until he feels that he has won. He does so because he wants all of the power and control. To a passive aggressive husband, openness and vulnerabilitiy are weaknesses. He does everything he can to not expose that side of him. Always the macho man, he is often grumpy and defensive.

If you are in a passsive aggressive marriage, you must remember that this is not all your fault. Ignore your spouse’s put downs and create your own self worth. Set boundaries for him to follow and carry yourself with confidence and respect.

More information? Find more ideas and support at the blog: passive aggressive husband