Control in a Passive Aggressive Marriage

Before Jill and Dan were married, Dan was a stand up guy. He was caring, loving, affectionate, and never forgot an anniversary. Lately though, it seems as if Dan is a completely different person. He has become totally unreliable and disconnected. While he used to be open and attentive, he is now negative and critical.

When Jill asks Dan to do something, he rarely follows through. He also criticizes almost everything Jill does and she never feels like she is good enough. Dan belittles Jill by making sarcastic comments to her, even though it hurts her. He then puts down her feelings by saying she is too sensitive.

This is a classic example of a passive aggressive marriage. What Dan is doing, is taking his anger out on Jill in an indirect way. He puts her down to bring himself up. But he does it so indirectly that it is hard to distinguish.

One of the reasons for a passive aggressive marriage is the need for control. A passive aggressive husband, like Dan, definitely has a ego. Moreover, he doesn’t view Jill as an equal. To him, a relationship is not a partnership, but instead, it is a competition. He wants to be better than Jill and does so by hurting her passively.

When having an argument, the passive aggressive spouse needs to win and will manipulate the situation until he feels that he has won. He does so because he wants all of the power and control. To a passive aggressive husband, openness and vulnerabilitiy are weaknesses. He does everything he can to not expose that side of him. Always the macho man, he is often grumpy and defensive.

If you are in a passsive aggressive marriage, you must remember that this is not all your fault. Ignore your spouse’s put downs and create your own self worth. Set boundaries for him to follow and carry yourself with confidence and respect.

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