You have been following my postings, or Neil's postings, posting your own comments live, and starting a conversation in the blog passiveaggressivehusband.com well beyond what we had anticipated.

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You will have the opportunity to ask your question, listen to the answers, type your comments and in general, share a supportive environment with other people in the same situation.

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Please, feel free to ask anything, we will provide advice and support to all of you there. We have already several good questions to talk about!

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Nora Femenia
Creative Conflict Resolutions

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Living With a Passive Aggressive Husband

Is your husband passive aggressive? The funny thing about a passive aggressive husband is that they don’t really act in an an angry manner, but they act out in different ways. While an aggressive husband may take out their anger by yelling or even hitting, the passive aggressive husband attacks his wife in an underhanded, indiret way.

A passive aggressive husband is angry, but instead of expressing his anger directly, he rebels in a more subtle way. Examples of this are constantly “forgetting” to pick up something at the store for you, secretly sabotaging your efforts, unreliability, and fault finding.

Passive aggressive husbands will seldom settle disagreements with their wives, leaving the wife feeling frustrated and empty. Because of this the wife often avoids conflict with him, since nothing is ever settled anyway. It is important to pick your fights wisely, however, shying away from confrontation, will only make things worse. Identify which behaviors bother you the most, and speak to him about it.

Sit down with your husband and try setting some agreements with him. Remember, this is not a time to argue. If he starts getting upset, take some time to cool off before starting the conversation again. A passive aggressive husband almost never makes a decision on his own. They want you to be the decision maker so if anything goes wrong, you are to blame. Perhaps you can encourage your husband to make more decisions on his own, by letting him know that you made your own decision and his decision will not change yours. This projects an image of you being able to do your life without being paralyzed by his inaction, but it has some costs.

The passive aggressive husband always will portray himself as the victim of your actions and decisions. The reason for this is because he wants people to feel sorry for him. He most likely has low self esteem himself, which is why he takes so much out on you. To stop this behavior, repeat that whatever he is doing, its his own decision and not yours. You preserve the right to decide on your own life; so you are ready to do things on your own. Speak this position to him in a calm, matter of fact way and see the impact on him. He can stay home and sulk or be resentful, but you will begin to do the things you like.

In a marriage you always have a choice. Changing a passive aggressive husband is a difficult project where you have more to lose if you get too emotionally involved with him even if this mean that you need to reevaluate your feelings for him.

"Forgetfulness" by a Passive Aggressive Spouse

I’d like you to meet Tim and Jane. Outwardly, Tim appears happy, agreeable, and obliging. But when Jane asks Tim to do something for her, things never seem to get done properly, or sometimes get done at all. When Jane asks Tim to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home, he forgets. When she asks Tim to help tidy up the living room, he does such a poor job that Jane ends up doing it all herself. Why does this always happen? Tim always says he’ll do it, but very rarely does he ever follow through.

Does this sound familiar? Then you may be dealing with a passive aggressive spouse. The passive aggressive spouse is angry inside, but is unable, or unwilling to share his feelings with his spouse in an upfront manner. As a result, he takes out his frustrations on his wife in a passive way.

A common sign of passive aggressiveness is a spouse that is constantly forgetting to do things. Just as Tim forgets to get the dry cleaning, or forgets to clean the living room, the passive aggressive spouse will say “sure, I’ll do it,” but in the end, he will deliberately lose sight of what he had just agreed to do. This forgetfullness may seem innocent at first, but eventually it will grow into a routine with the ability to destroy a marriage.

This pattern of passive aggressiveness often begins in childhood. Think of what happens when you ask a child to put away their toys. The child will say yes, but instead procrastinates, starts playing with something else, and ignores what he should be doing. Before you know it, an hour has passed an not a single toy has been put away. While this is acceptable behavior for a child, it is not acceptable for the pattern to continue into adulthood.

If your spouse is frequently "forgetting" to do things, you may want to consider that it is passive aggressive behavior. What do you do next? It depends of the relationship, the time you have been married to him (the longer the time, the more resistant to changes he will be) and of your needs to really have his support...

More information on this kind of passive aggression and its impact on marriages can be found on our blog.

How to Spot a Passive Aggressive Husband

The passive aggressive husband can sometimes be tricky to spot out. He’s caring, happy, and easy going on the outside. At work he’s always willing to give a helping hand. So why is it that when he’s at home he can’t seem to keep his commitments?

He’s negative, procrastinates, and conveniently forgets to do most things asked of him. Does he have a split personality? Doesn’t he care?

The passive aggressive husband’s spouse usually feels despair over her husband’s inabilty to cooperate with her. She feels frustrated with his negative attitude and endless excuses. If you have suspicions that your husband may be passive aggressive, ask yourself these questions:

When you ask him to do something, does he constantly forget to do it?
Is he usually negative towards you, and unreasonable critical?
Does he sabotage you by not being supportive in your goals?
Does he take verbal jabs at you, under the guise that he is joking, or being sarcastic?
Does he speak negatively about you to others, while maintaining the act the he is a perfect husband?

If any of those actions ring a bell, it sounds like your husband is passive aggressive. Basically, when your husband is angry, he takes his anger out on you in an indirect way, so you don’t even know that he’s doing it.

It is a devastating cycle that can end marraiges. Your husband builds up anger and resentment, and secretly takes his hostility out on you. He does it in such a subtle way that outwardly, he appears to be a normal, caring guy.

It is by all means frustrating and confusing. You could be minding your own business and your husband could make a sarcastic remark about your weight. Or you could ask him for help washing dishes, but he’ll do such a bad job that you end up doing it all yourself.

With a little attention and trusting on what you observe, not what you wish him to be or do, is possible to answer the question about his behavior: is it a legitimate task forgotten or is it a habit that repeats and leaves the other person frustrated and angry? Here is your response, and now you know.

Setting Limits With a Passive Aggressive Husband

When dealing with a passive aggressive husband, it is easy to get frustrated. Their forgetfulness, lack of involvement, and all around negativity are bound to take a toll on you. While you may feel that it is impossible for him to change, taking one small step at a time will bring forth positive changes.

If your husband is often behaving in a passive aggressive way, you must be sure to always be direct and straightforward when speaking to him. Do not allow his passive aggressiveness to make you passive aggressive as well. Think of a defiant child.When a child misbehaves, their behavior should not be rewarded, but corrected.

A passive aggressive husband knows your weaknesses and will exploit them to his benefit. Do not fall into this trap. He is just trying to upset you and bring you down.

When setting limits with your husband, you first must decide what you would like him to change and what you are willing to live with. Realistically speaking, you will have to live with some of his quirks. Know what you absolutely need changed, and don’t be unrealistic in your expectations.

Your passive aggressive husband may want to change as well, but maybe he needs your help in doing so. Try to stay patient with him and remember that he is breaking a life long habit. Your support can make all the difference.

The passive aggressive husband will often fall back on excuses to make himself feel better. You should never accept his excuses, as doing so will only cause him to repeat this behavior even more. If your husband has a problem of constantly forgetting things, you could try asking him how it would make him feel if you behaved in that same way.

It is important to set limits with a passive aggressive husband. Remember to be realistic and stick to your limits, while limiting your expectations of what he can give to you.

Is Your Passive Aggressive Spouse Sabotaging You?

A spouse that demonstrates passive aggressive behavior will always show hostility to his mate in an underhanded way. Some examples include procrastination, deliberate forgetfulness, making you feel like you are the problem in an otherwise "happy relationship," and lastly, hidden efforts at sabotaging her projects..

Two examples of sabotage from a passive aggressive spouse are the husband that secretly destroys his wife’s diet, and the husband that systematically comes home so late to watch the kids, that his wife is unable to go anywhere else she wants to.

Julie has been working hard to shed the weight she had gained after having a daughter last year. She cut out junk food and sweets from her diet and began working out twice a week. Her husband, Mike, feels threatened by Julie’s determination to look better, and begins bringing home chips and candy for snacks. He knows that Julie loves chocolate, and encourages her to have dessert after dinner. He does this all in a seemingly nice way, telling her that she deserves a break from her diet. While it may seem thoughtful of Mike, he is really blocking her efforts to lose weight.

Carol attends craft club meetings once a week after work. Her neighbor usually watches her son while she’s gone, but this week her neighbor is sick and unable to babysit. So Carol asks her husband John to be home by 6:00 so she can make it to her meeting on time. Carol gets ready for her meeting and patiently waits for John’s return home. It’s 6:00 and John is not home. He comes home an hour later and Carol misses her club meeting.

Why does John do this? He is a passive aggressive spouse who felt jealous that Carol was making new friends in her club. He purposely comes home late in order to sabotage Carol’s efforts to go to her meeting. What he really fears is her becoming a bit more independent from the home, the kids and her wifely duties...

He needs to present his intentions in the best possible way, so he also gives her an excuse saying that he needed to help out a friend at work and couldn’t possibly get home in time. That way, he is the victim and she can’t be mad at him.

When a passive aggressive spouse feels threatened with the inevitable changes that life brings to each one of us, he often will find ways to secretly sabotage his mate's personal development. He doesn't want to change, and he intends to block his spouse from developing herself...

This is a very self-defeating position in a marriage, which is a relationship based on both sides' commitment to help the other grow up and become the person he/she needs to become.

Control in a Passive Aggressive Marriage

Before Jill and Dan were married, Dan was a stand up guy. He was caring, loving, affectionate, and never forgot an anniversary. Lately though, it seems as if Dan is a completely different person. He has become totally unreliable and disconnected. While he used to be open and attentive, he is now negative and critical.

When Jill asks Dan to do something, he rarely follows through. He also criticizes almost everything Jill does and she never feels like she is good enough. Dan belittles Jill by making sarcastic comments to her, even though it hurts her. He then puts down her feelings by saying she is too sensitive.

This is a classic example of a passive aggressive marriage. What Dan is doing, is taking his anger out on Jill in an indirect way. He puts her down to bring himself up. But he does it so indirectly that it is hard to distinguish.

One of the reasons for a passive aggressive marriage is the need for control. A passive aggressive husband, like Dan, definitely has a ego. Moreover, he doesn’t view Jill as an equal. To him, a relationship is not a partnership, but instead, it is a competition. He wants to be better than Jill and does so by hurting her passively.

When having an argument, the passive aggressive spouse needs to win and will manipulate the situation until he feels that he has won. He does so because he wants all of the power and control. To a passive aggressive husband, openness and vulnerabilitiy are weaknesses. He does everything he can to not expose that side of him. Always the macho man, he is often grumpy and defensive.

If you are in a passsive aggressive marriage, you must remember that this is not all your fault. Ignore your spouse’s put downs and create your own self worth. Set boundaries for him to follow and carry yourself with confidence and respect.

More information? Find more ideas and support at the blog: passive aggressive husband