Study shows how fight styles affect marriage and can predict divorce

What can predict divorce in newly weds couples? Yelling at each other and calling them names is one "conflict style" that sure is very damaging to the long term prospects of the couple. 

Now, a University of Michigan study shows what other conflict patterns also predict divorce.

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A particularly toxic pattern is when one spouse deals with conflict constructively, by calmly discussing the situation, listening to their partner's point of view, or trying hard to find out what their partner is feeling, for example---and the other spouse withdraws.

"This pattern seems to have a damaging effect on the longevity of marriage," said U-M researcher Kira Birditt, first author of a study on marital conflict behaviors and implications for divorce published in the current issue (October 2010) of the Journal of Marriage and Family. "Spouses who deal with conflicts constructively may view their partners' habit of withdrawing as a lack of investment in the relationship rather than an attempt to cool down."

Couples in which both spouses used constructive strategies had lower divorce rates, Birditt found.

The data are from the Early Years of Marriage Study, supported by funding from the National Institute of Aging and the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. It is one of the largest and longest research projects to look at patterns of marital conflict, with 373 couples interviewed four times over a 16-year period, starting the first year of their marriages. The researchers looked at how both individual behaviors and patterns of behavior between partners affected the likelihood of divorce. 

Overall, says the report: "husbands reported using more constructive behaviors and fewer destructive behaviors than wives. But over time, wives were less likely to use destructive strategies or withdraw, while husbands' use of these behaviors stayed the same through the years."

"The problems that cause wives to withdraw or use destructive behaviors early in a marriage may be resolved over time," Birditt said. "Or, relationships and the quality of relationships may be more central to women's lives than they are to men. As a result, over the course of marriage, women may be more likely to recognize that withdrawing from conflict or using destructive strategies is neither effective nor beneficial to the overall well-being and stability of their marriages."

This is very interesting...women finally find ways of compensating for the conflict style differences, learn ways of engaging instead of withdrawing, or stop the yelling and cursing that can be so destructive. Husbands, instead, continue (if they did it at the beginning), with silent treatment, stonewalling and perhaps sarcasm and contempt, up until the marriage's end!

"We hope this study will lead to additional research on the complex dynamics of conflict between husbands and wives, and the potential explanations for changes versus stability in conflict behaviors over time," Birditt said.

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Predicting  divorce: Study  shows  how  fight  styles  affect  marriage

Communication Without Connection Can Be an Empty Desert

“My husband and I can barely have a discussion about anything without us getting thoroughly annoyed with each other (subject matter can be anything from the most mundane to the most sophisticated) because we are both hurting and feeling unloved... so there’s not much of an effort to really engage our interest in the other person’s ideas or feelings anymore.

The bad communication, constant traveling, blame blame blame and hurt hurt hurt followed by silence silence silence and loneliness loneliness loneliness all happened first and then you add that to a passive aggressive type A constantly working business man who is blameless and always focusing on “facts and data” vs. emotions and feelings... and you get to this place.”

To avoid getting to this place, women usually try to ask, demand, invite and cajole husbands into “better communication.” They even make appointments with counselors and therapists and priests to get help.The more they press for communication that includes reference to feelings (husband’s feelings) the more he is in alien territory and more and more distraught by the request. Isn’t it enough to bring home the bacon? What else does she want, that he can’t or will not provide by his own will?

Of course, the usual response is more silence, more isolation and more defensive talk about how she is pushing him or forcing him to something that:

• Is not his responsibility.
• It is obviously in her sphere of action (the feelings talk).

So, why is he forced to say things he doesn’t feel/know/care about? It is better to clam up, and wait for the storm to pass! Or, if he is forced, he will promise anything, only to get her off his back.

End of story!

Finally, they can be truly bewildered at how frustrated the wife gets with them.

If confronted with their intentional non-compliance, and the sad result of their efforts that doesn’t solve the original problem, they will bemoan bitterly that “you’re so demanding or impossible” and that “nothing is ever good enough for you.”

An impossible trap?

Of course it is! The final point is, let’s be aware that we are looking at a battle in the war for control. The passive aggressive person is fighting a hidden war for “who controls this relationship,” by using his own tactics, of which she is unaware of. Perhaps framing this as a fight for control could help understand such a destructive communication style.

What is needed now is a way to break the barrier, really invite each side to listen to the real feelings underneath the silence, and find a humane way of appreciating each other’s best aspects.

Three strategies to manage passive aggression in your marriage

We have offered our main explanation about why the husband doing passive aggression has no other behavior to use in an intimate relationship. He can be nice and considerate with his friends, (he has not to live with them) but he has an special barrier to manage the dangers of intimacy.

And you know that there is a sequence, (near, fear, slam the brakes, clam up, distance, need for connection, near, fear, and the merry go round keeps going around)

So, now you know something else: about the sequence of grown up situations that force him to retreat, like feeling very near, or supported by you and his fear of having to behave in a more "grown up way" next time...

The most difficult part is how to share this information with him in a casual, non accusatory way: when you think it could help him see his pattern, which is usually the toughest part.

If you can explain the pattern to him just when it is happening and not be too judgmental, or taking him too seriously, that would help. Something in the vein of: “Have you noticed that situations like (facing my whole family together at the holidays) make you cringe? It also happened last year, can you see that? …what can we do to improve this situation?

I’m following here Louis Clichot “The whole psychological point of being passive-aggressive is to spare oneself the messy implications of experiencing one’s anger. And it’s not easy getting a grown-up man to say he’s feeling like a child inside. Their feeling of repressed anger is so intense; it has never been dealt with in the family of origin because he could never bring it out, so it feels like a mountain of anger for him.”

If you show him that you are not accusing him, and that this behavior is something both of you can watch, evaluate and improve, it gives you a different point of view in this situation. The point is NOT to accuse, (because you risk anger) but being very matter of fact with your words. It can be empowering for both the idea that passive aggressive behavior could be perceived and demolished with support and humor.

There are three kinds of strategy you can choose to deal with the PA:

a) You can decide to put severe limits on his behavior in an oppositional manner, which runs the risk of an all-out war (he will escalate into isolation, extreme silence, leaving the house, slamming doors, withholding affection and sexual intimacy and growing emotionally detached and resentful) and divorce;

b) You can support his need for his problem to be understood: You can see him as a person who is using old, antiquated defense mechanisms ("play dead with your own emotions; deny anger; go along to belong," etc) in a new different situation (marriage) that is addressing him as a grown up person, on a temporal basis. He needs to realize he is in a different situation now.

In this case, is good to have a clear deadline to review the situation and plan for improvements in a periodical and incremental basis.

c) Find a way to balance the need to protect yourself from his real aggression, with a detached and compassionate attitude towards his immature feelings. You will need to accept the loneliness of the single parent having to raise a family with scant support and no companionship, and in that situation hope for the best, that he is able to grow up. So, you need to plan your own life with friends, support, fun and personal growth opportunities.

This acceptance has to be temporary or you run a very real risk: being in a long time marriage sustained by this unconscious deal: 

she fears loneliness, so she stays, and he can be who he is forever, denying the time passage and the fact that people (eventually) mature with age and life experiences.


You can always learn more about passive aggressive marriages, visiting our blog.

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