Stuck in a passive aggressive marriage?

Can you still be happy in a passive aggressive marriage?

Here is the map to understand your situation:

http://alfaprimalm.hubpages.com/hub/how-to-survive-a-passive-aggressive-marriage

Of course, you can always write to me:

Neil Warner
neil@passiveaggresive.com

How to Transform Emotional Abuse into Resiliency

I just Published a Kindle Book that offers a new approach to overcome abuse in relationships. 

Stopping Emotional Abuse:
the new Workbook to recover and Grow Resilience from Emotional Abuse

This new book on emotional abuse has been published on the kindle store, offering a new, different angle to the common discussion about what is emotional abuse, the definition of emotional abuse, how to understand emotional abuse in relationships, how women can recover from its impact.

In this book offers a very creative angle to frame abusive situations, as they are not destructive situations conducive to self-esteem reduction, but learning opportunities to acquire new and valuable resilience skills.

The previous “victim of emotional abuse” is here described as a survivor who is a “heroine-in-training, ” going through new milestones in the process of her own self-development.
This is a valuable and innovative approach because it takes away the painful stigma of “emotional abuse victim, ” and makes the woman a co-creator of her own experience.

Why and how she has entered into an emotionally abusive relationship is not something that “happens to her, ” but a chosen circumstance in her own self-growth path.

Using Caroline Miss’ concept of “Sacred Contract” to support a new definition of abuse. It’s like Conflict Coach is telling the reader, her sister: “Psst, don’t forget that you have chosen this experience to learn the most precious skills of resilience.,.. so hurry up to learn them so you can leave and go on to enjoy happier situations... ”

The clear progression of the self-development milestones, together with the exercises and videos included in the book and in general the positive, easy reading of the chapters, all make of this book a wonderful new tool for women who need to recover their mission in life while going through personal hell as experiencing emotional abuse in their love relationship.

Stopping Emotional Abuse:
the new Workbook to recover and Grow Resilience from Emotional Abuse

This book can transform your whole perception of the emotional abuse, and give you a new definition that empowers and motivates very necessary changes!

Why Women Accept Passive Aggressive Behavior?

I have been receiving lots of letters from women readers at my Q & A section or my blog at:
http://passiveaggressivehusband.com/asknora/


 
Reading these letters, it was clear that most of them spent years and years in the same situation, suffering the isolation and lack of intimacy, after finally realizing they were stuck in a passive aggressive marriage.

Why do they wait so long?

What is inside them that makes them to wait and wait for a change that is never forthcoming?

Perhaps is there something you learned about your role in the world, and in relationships, that makes you prone to take this punishment without protesting?

Reading Karla Downing, while explaining the three reasons codependents try to fix their difficult loved ones' problems, we can learn that:

 

You feel responsible for other people and as a result
You do things they should be doing for themselves.

If you feel responsible for other people's emotions, reactions, thoughts, and choices, you have to remember you are only responsible for caring for them which includes helping them to take care of their responsibilities and obligations, speaking the truth to them, and doing loving things that are healthy, and promote their self-reliance and competence. Nothing more, otherwise, you will be replacing them and teaching them to avoid their own responsibilities.

You aren't willing to allow other people to suffer.

If you are badly tempted to jump in and fix their problems so they won't experience the consequences of their choices, you are preventing them from learning. Accept their struggles as necessary life lessons they need to go through, so they can mature.

You can't handle your own emotions.

When you feel fear, guilt, anxiety, discomfort, worry, or panic, you will attempt to do something to fix the problem to get rid of your uncomfortable feelings. The only way to not fix is to increase your ability to deal with all your emotions that arise in your relationship. Learning how to cope with your own discomfort is another way of respecting them to do the same. Remember that learning to deal with our own emotions is part of life's lessons to be learned by all us, so let them do exactly that.

Now, of course, you will ask:

How do I do all that?

Well, a good starting point is to  read some books, learn meditation, center yourself and make a purpose to learn this lesson....

Nora Femenia, Ph.D, is the CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions and the author of the book The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband, a field guide for women that have to deal with passive aggression in their partners.
Nora also post regularly to her blog Passive Aggressive Behaviors.

Recovering After Divorcing a Passive Aggressive Husband

Passive aggressive marriages are notorious happiness-drainers, because your energy and satisfaction keep going low and lower...Divorcing a passive aggressive husband can be even worse! During your marriage, he made sure to trash your self-esteem and dignity, while ensuring that you took care of him and his needs, no questions asked. When you want to divorce him, he makes you look cruel in front of friends and family, tries to manipulate you into staying and thinking that you’re giving up “happiness.”

Getting through a passive aggressive divorce may seem impossible, but you can achieve it. However, what happens afterward? It might feel like the post-divorce period is where things really start to get hard. You may be plagued with grief and guilt, or doubt that you did the right thing. He may be hounding you financially or emotionally, and your self-esteem will be in the gutter.

What can you do to recover after divorcing a passive aggressive husband?

We’ve compiled some great tips to help you regain self esteem after divorcing a passive aggressive man.

Plan to reinvent yourself:

You must start by reinventing your concept of who you are and what you want from life. It’s important that you think about how to think of yourself as a VALID individual, worthy on her own and not only as part of a couple. What is your plan to reinvent yourself - do you need to completely rediscover yourself by going on a trip? School? A new city? Dance lessons? Think of the craziest thing you could do, something that makes your heart beat to try. Go do it!

What were your life purposes as a child? as a teen?:

What did you want to be when you grew up? What did you love the most, what were your hobbies? Reinventing yourself into someone happy and connected rides on finding what you really love and value, and going back to your childhood could be a great place to start.

Look at your childhood pictures and connect with who you were, identify your childhood dreams and start from there. What excited you, made you happy? Now make a list of the things you love (don’t censor yourself telling that it is impossible; list everything you love!).

You can then make several loved things coalesce into a new “discovering my new life” project. Here’s an example: If you love cats and animals, taking care of living things, gardening, child care, then you should pursue a life direction that focuses on creating and protecting living things. Don’t held yourself back by saying, “I have to find a real job.” You’ve wasted too many years on being “reasonable” and “realistic.” Seize the day!

Now that you know what you are good at, make a list of all things (jobs or otherwise), possible and impossible, that you would do to use those skills. Brainstorming can take different directions - you could design your own job, volunteer at different agencies that interest you, chat with friends and family, or just travel a bit. Give yourself a goal and plan once you find your most exciting life prospect, and don’t forget to write down the steps for tomorrow and beyond.

 

ALL THE WAY, KEEP TELLING YOURSELF:

• I KNOW I CAN
• I KNOW I’M WORTHY
• I KNOW I’M LOVABLE

Leave this plan/list in a place where you will not see it for two days... stop thinking consciously about it, because your unconscious soul is already working on it!

Finding love after divorcing a passive aggressive man:

Discover what you want in a man by making a list like you just did for life prospects. What excites you about a man? What are you looking for? Think long and hard about what you husband didn’t give you, what you were hoping for all those years. Don’t fixate on all the things he “could” have been - think about all the things you’re going to pursue in your future and find for yourself. You could make a visual list, with pictures that have something to do with your idea of “love,” or cut words from print and make a verbal collage that speaks, “This is what I’m looking for.” You can also explore what used to be important to you, but now isn’t as important as others (perhaps you value adventure more, or perhaps you value being good with children).

Put the list/collage in a drawer, and two days later edit, correct and end the official “ideal match.” Put that list in a visible site, and allow your subconscious mind to take over. You will begin to look at your new relations from this point of view; from a stronger self-esteem and new view of yourself.   

Is your journey of reinvention threatened by low self-esteem, guilt, or threats from your ex-husband? Do you need a coach who can motivate you to grab the reigns of your own life? Visit us at Passive Aggressive Husband to receive a wealth of information about passive aggression, being independent, and leading a happy, healthy life. Talk to our wonderful coach, Dr. Nora, to get personal feedback on your situation and in-depth relationship coaching on how to recover after divorcing your passive aggressive husband.   

 

Reproduced from  http://passiveaggressivehusband.com

Passive Aggressive Denial of Intimacy Hurts the Couple... so why does it happen?

Sex as a means of control is something many women struggle with in a passive aggressive marriage, although it is a sensitive and private matter that most don’t want to share (understandably). Passive aggressive husbands can almost always get their desired outcome by withholding sex as punishment - 
it is a punishment that a victim will usually feel guilty about recounting!

If you suspect this is happening to you in your marriage, here are some facts. It’s a simple and unfortunate truth that as a way of frustrating you, and retaining control of the relationship, your passive aggressive husband will at some point show no interest in sex, exactly when you feel that the two of you are connecting and happy together. Sometimes it might be after a nice day with the kids, or a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant.

So, if it’s passive aggressive punishment, why does there seem to be even less notice than usual? Most often, sex is withheld as punishment because of something that happened during the day that your husband cannot express to you emotionally. It could be that he felt emasculated by you taking control of punishing the children, or that he resents spending money (even when spent on himself, too). The take-away point here is that it usually has NOTHING to do with sex itself. In other words, you don’t need to lie in bed wondering whether you’ve “lost it.”

What happens when you lie awake worrying like this is that the punishment 100% does what it was meant to do. Your husband’s passive punishment turns into something you do to yourself. You punish yourself by telling yourself you’re not thin, attractive, satisfying enough. At that point, he has effectively controlled the situation and your ideas about your own self-worth.

Something wives wonder at this point is how the passive aggressive man views sex. It’s a good question to ask. Something to remember is that for the passive aggressive man, sex means vulnerability (because it’s intimate). He feels that withholding sex will prove his independence and hide his fear of rejection....

In short: the dynamics has to do more with an internal battle raging inside the husband, which prevents him from being spontaneous and playful, and promotes being guarded and cold. So, no need to blame the wife; there are more hidden reasons for this "love freeze" to happen!

Silent Treatment: are you a victim?

The silent treatment, also known as the "cold shoulder treatment," consists of feigned apathy, total silence, and being distant on purpose by one side of a couple. He or she displays an attitude of complete disinterest, as if the other person would be a complete stranger passing by.

This form of emotional abuse can be very disorienting. Being ignored on purpose by your husband, your most intimate ally crumbles your whole being. The experience can leave you thinking that you have been reduced to the level of a ghost, if your presence is systematically ignored and turned irrelevant.

Typically, the abuser does this as a form of non-physical punishment, with the purpose of showing his anger by making the other person feel unworthy, or worst, rejected. Is a very strong negative message delivered in a way that doesn't leave external traces: there are no signals of physical abuse.

Between the lines, what your abuser is trying to do is to manipulate you in the area of your self image by making you feel reduced to nothing he can show interest on. If he is not seeing you, or your qualities, who are you? Not more than a shadow! Here is a female voice:

"The thing that drives me the craziest is when he has had his cooling off time, he comes out to me and he is STILL angry and silent. He stares straight ahead at the TV with this filthy look on his face and pretends I am not even there. Like I'm invisible.”

"I really don't know what to do, or say. If I say "can we talk about this?" he will roll his eyes or tell me to shut up. He reconnects when and how he wants...while I wait in despair. I have truly lost hope. I don't know how much more I can take. When things are good between us life is incredible, but he has this Jekyll and Hyde thing going on... and I always feel like it is my fault, because I don't know how and why his cold shoulder towards me starts. What did I do to anger him so much as to be so cruel?"

In this kind of situation you will not realize first that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship because there is no physical contact or harm; only the feeling of being abandoned by him and his attention.

This rejection is sometimes called ostracism by another field of experts.

Now, when someone is ostracized it affects the part of their brain called the “anterior cingulate cortex.” Don’t worry; knowing what the anterior cingulate cortex does is more important than knowing how to pronounce it.

The anterior cingulate cortex is the part of your brain that goes off when it detects pain. When someone gives you the silent treatment, your brain tells you to treat it as physical pain.

This means that simply by ignoring your existence, someone can inflict pain on you. This is why using the “time out” as a punishment for children is so effective. The child feels ostracized, and therefore feels pain. Their brain tells them to behave in such a way that they don’t have to feel that pain again.

In other words, when we pull a muscle or break a bone, the pain we experience is the same as the pain felt when a loved one—whose validation and attention we need and seek—rejects us and gives us the silent treatment.

Why the abuser uses this weapon of control over you? He does the "cold shoulder" to avoid an uncomfortable situation, having to clarify issues with you in your relationship and issues within himself. Probably is difficult for him to connect with you and express what is bothering him; or he knows that his grievance against you is completely irrational and based on his own childhood perceptions, and not in the here and now with you. In any case, he needs to accept responsibility for his side of the problem!

Whatever the cause, it is difficult to truly understand why the victim allows this behavior to continue. In fact, it usually happens abruptly at first, and it looks like the husband is only silent because something is worrying him. Or is he deeply considering some issues that he will later share with you and find solutions for? The silent treatment may last for hours and even for weeks. Her initial confusion cannot be sustained for a long time because this cold shoulder can continue for weeks and ends up being a comfortable situation for him.

Relieved of the need to explain, find solutions, negotiate with the wife and be honest with himself, the husband has found a shortcut that allows him to continue in a relationship without facing its real challenges. He will prefer the shortcut of punishing his partner regularly without owning his own shortcomings, so he can keep his own self image protected without reality checks.

Generally, silent treatment leaves a lot of damage and scars. Though the cold treatment can be finished, the inflicted damage can still lead to frustration and confusion due to unresolved rejection issues.

Keep in mind that our purpose for being in a relationship is to feel that we are not alone and that we have someone to love and someone loves us back. If he makes her feel unimportant and there is no meaning in the relationship, then he is sabotaging the core of the relationship contract.

A rejected person will have to consider how much she can survive without receiving much expected loving and supportive feedback from the same person she has chosen to be her permanent admirer. At the point where his controlling and manipulative behavior leaves her lonely and frustrated, there is the need for a decision about what kind of future is possible for this relationship.

Perhaps at this point in the evolution of this controlling marriage, she will need external help, as therapy, family or friends can give, to restore her self -esteem and be able to face life without emotional abuse.

If there is any indication of control of one partner by the other using emotional abuse, then the whole future of the relationship is at stake. There is no relationship that can survive the destruction of the other's self-esteem as a means to maintain power and control. Please, consider getting help from a therapist or conflict coach or marriage counselor.

Communication Without Connection Can Be an Empty Desert

“My husband and I can barely have a discussion about anything without us getting thoroughly annoyed with each other (subject matter can be anything from the most mundane to the most sophisticated) because we are both hurting and feeling unloved... so there’s not much of an effort to really engage our interest in the other person’s ideas or feelings anymore.

The bad communication, constant traveling, blame blame blame and hurt hurt hurt followed by silence silence silence and loneliness loneliness loneliness all happened first and then you add that to a passive aggressive type A constantly working business man who is blameless and always focusing on “facts and data” vs. emotions and feelings... and you get to this place.”

To avoid getting to this place, women usually try to ask, demand, invite and cajole husbands into “better communication.” They even make appointments with counselors and therapists and priests to get help.The more they press for communication that includes reference to feelings (husband’s feelings) the more he is in alien territory and more and more distraught by the request. Isn’t it enough to bring home the bacon? What else does she want, that he can’t or will not provide by his own will?

Of course, the usual response is more silence, more isolation and more defensive talk about how she is pushing him or forcing him to something that:

• Is not his responsibility.
• It is obviously in her sphere of action (the feelings talk).

So, why is he forced to say things he doesn’t feel/know/care about? It is better to clam up, and wait for the storm to pass! Or, if he is forced, he will promise anything, only to get her off his back.

End of story!

Finally, they can be truly bewildered at how frustrated the wife gets with them.

If confronted with their intentional non-compliance, and the sad result of their efforts that doesn’t solve the original problem, they will bemoan bitterly that “you’re so demanding or impossible” and that “nothing is ever good enough for you.”

An impossible trap?

Of course it is! The final point is, let’s be aware that we are looking at a battle in the war for control. The passive aggressive person is fighting a hidden war for “who controls this relationship,” by using his own tactics, of which she is unaware of. Perhaps framing this as a fight for control could help understand such a destructive communication style.

What is needed now is a way to break the barrier, really invite each side to listen to the real feelings underneath the silence, and find a humane way of appreciating each other’s best aspects.

How much do you need to be needed?

Humans have social needs....at the least, we all need to engage in some kind of relationship with others, to develop and grow.

Because we all have human needs: basically we need to look at both spouses' reciprocal needs for love and connection.

Some people displaying passive aggressive behaviors are also trying to satisfy their needs for love and connection...but given their ambivalence they need someone to be there, with them, as their object of love but also as the object of their hidden hostility.

Because they have developed a toxic image of what a relationship is while growing up, now try to duplicate the kind of relationship they learned before, this time with another person, with themselves playing the controlling role. As an individual, he needs to pick up a woman who will agree to be on the receiving end of his disowned anger, so he can play out the only dynamics he knows, the one from his childhood...

He needs a good, intelligent adversary to provide him with expectations and demands he will then be able to resist and warp, as he plays the interpersonal routine he learned with his first family. Why do you need to experience this kind of treatment is beyond this posting, but something that really needs examining in depth.

Once initiated the relationship, he then needs to frustrate you a little bit every day, building up in you a pattern of frustration so high that eventually you get to express the anger that he has been repressing all his life.

Why is it that you are in this kind of relationship? Well, for openers, some women have a higher need to be needed. Being needed is a confirmation of our own worth, we have been told....right?

Interesting? Please, continue reading about this tale of passive aggressive behaviors!

Can you get a passive aggressive person to change?

All the time, when we talk with long suffering wives,
the first question on passive aggressive relationships is:



How the other person doing this behavior will change?


Well, we could be going around and around with the answer, but if you really want to know what is the lever to make him change, you probably would wish to visit this blog about


Passive Aggressive Husbands.

So, here is your answer! direct, unvarnished and straightforward! Now, what are you going to do with your relationship?

Stress, conflict and the wrong way of keeping the peace

Recent research has shown that our bodies are intertwined with all our emotional states. Having constant stress means that we are faced with the need to find peaceful surroundings.

What happens when you look for peace and love at home, and you find too many squabbles? You are searching for refuge and find instead constant quarreling with your spouse? Wouldn’t it be healthier to be able to go home and find loving companionship? This kind of home will give your health a boost, and make your heart sing with joy.

We need to say that couple fights are inevitable given that both parties, male and female need to start a fight sometimes when in need of refreshing the connection and companionship, and to keep the relationship growing. But fighting without skills can do a lot of damage to your health and your relationship. It’s the quality of the fighting the factor that matters in preventing unhealthy consequences.

There is the special case of marital conflict when one partner shows passive aggressive behaviors, where a supposedly mature person behaves in a way that pushes their own share of responsibilities to their partner’s side.

And if the partner tries to redress this issue, the response they get is not a good conversation about “what do we need to do now to improve”, but blaming, accusations, bad temper and either sulking or complete withdrawal. Then, women retreat.

When women make the decision to be silent, they are choosing the short way out to protect themselves from a sad situation, and it also signals that they have given up the hope to be treated with respect. Giving up your right to be respected is so stressful that affects women making them more vulnerable to heart attacks.

Now we know more about the price women pay for “keeping the peace by self-silencing”: studies led by Dana Crowley Jack , a professor of interdisciplinary studies at Western Washington University in Bellingham, Wash., have linked the self-silencing trait to numerous psychological and physical health risks, including depression, eating disorders and heart disease.

The quality of the interaction hinges on the mutual respect parties can show for each other, even in the heat of an argument.

Knowing this, there has to be a way to learn how to create a safe environment where both spouses can equally communicate with respect, and this is the area of fair fighting skills.

These are a set of skills that help partners to clarify the situation, allow both sides to recognize their needs and provide a way to find a solution without violence.

Women due to their ignorance of methods to fight fair and assert, find themselves being more attacked, hurt and put down. That is the reason women need fair fighting training! Do you want to learn the necessary skills to be more assertive? Do you need training in fair fighting techniques to deal with any passive aggressive partner in your life?

Here is the way to emotional healing.

The power of recognition to change toxic silence

Is this barren land the territory of your relationship?







"My husband and I can barely have a discussion about anything without us getting thoroughly annoyed with each other (subject matter can be anything from the most mundane to the most sophisticated) because we are both hurting and feeling unloved and unfufilled by the other....so there’s not much of an effort to really engage.

Neither of us is excited by the other person’s ideas or feelings anymore, it is really all logistics.

The bad communication, constant traveling, blame blame blame and hurt hurt hurt followed by loneliness loneliness loneliness all happened first and then you add that passive aggression that blocks any initiative to communicate and we end up living like two zombies together...."

The interesting point is that both feel unloved by the other....Reading some of Chloe Madanes' work, she mentions six human needs, of which love and connection is one very important and the other is recognition.

What if, (assuming that you have a bit of energy to apply to your relationship), you decide that you are fulfilling some of these needs in your partner? To break the cycle, perhaps to change the dynamics...whatever the motivation, it will be the equivalent of a guerrilla attack on the other....At the moment when he or she is waiting exactly nothing, you provide some recognition? It's shocking!

It doesn't need to be anything elaborate, enough to say "It's good that you filled the gas tank in the car, so I can use it now...." and leave it there. Find something real to appreciate, there is no need to invent any fake characteristic because it will received as a cruel irony.

Basically, see with other eyes: find some positive aspect, and mention it with no sarcasm or irony.
And wait. See the changes....there must be some softening of positions, or less anger in the air, or suddenly the silence becomes communication again.

We all have those needs...it's important to offer positive reinforcement of the truly good qualities of the other. Don't evaluate if the other deserves or not some praise, just do it. And see the dynamics change for good.

Passive aggression or open aggression: which is best?

Perhaps, up front, the response is: neither. It depends of the circumstances.
There is a very subtle game, by which both people in a constant interaction, like in marriage, can drive each other nuts. The funny aspect is that, by being able to sustain passive aggressive behavior for a long time, a person can provoke his partner in such a way that she will be seen easily as "the most aggressive of the two."

Why? because she will be pushed to her limit, and either she used or no to show her degree of exasperation before him, now she reacts with screaming and yelling as her more appropriate response to so much passivity.

In this case passive anger commonly referred to as “passive aggressive” behavior can be just as destructive as overt anger.

Jim knew that every time he would withdraw in a discussion it would drive Alice up the wall. He knew that not following through on commitments frustrated her to the point of anger. Over and over again, his cheerful admission of broken promises pushed Alice’s hottest button.

This is a hidden, silent tug of war: the more passive Jim could be, the more out of control Alice would be. On the surface, this was a lose-lose situation, where both would be losers...but who knows Jim's internal needs?

Perhaps having an angry partner exonerated himself of the guilt for his own passivity? Kind of rationalizing: "I have to be quiet because she will escalate the fight more and more...better to be withdrawn and silent." In this way, he will be exactly causing the circumstances he is forcing Alice to react to, but in his own eyes, he will be a victim of her "bat temperament."

How can this cycle of escalating angry behavior be stopped? Since you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge the first step is getting both spouses to see and acknowledge their behaviors.

"Each time that you, Jim, withdraw into your clam and avoid doing your share of the house chores, you have to face that you are producing facts in the household that have consequences. Like Alice's frustration."

The first step is owning the frustrating behavior, and linking it with the other side's responses. Having an interactive vision of the reciprocal behaviors help to lower the emotions and helps also to focus in the interaction.

Ideally, each spouse should be able to tell himself/herself: "every time I see the other person doing X, I will not react with more withdrawal/frustration. I have other tools to restore communication and peace, like asking what happens with the other person and reviewing our mutual agreements and promises."

The point here being that both sides are responsible of keeping a healthy communication going, and of course, both are responsible of their shared tasks. Being responsible in this case means growing up to the status of adult person, able to maintain a healthy relationship.

Our PA Husband Teleseminar was a success!

HERE IS THE POSTING BY LADYBEAMS, at our friend blog:

If you didn’t know already, last night was our first seminar for victims of passive aggressive partners or spouses. I thought it was a great stepping stone to the future. We had a great turn-out and conversations were flying. Thank you so much to all who joined us.

As usual there is always a technological glich or two, and this time was no exception. I personally like where you can talk and hear each other vs. a chatroom like atmosphere, but we got some good conversations and hopefully gave some good information. I’m looking forward to using some of the conversation here.

Nora Femenia launched her new book last nite at a discounted price for participants in the call. For a limited time still this discount will be page up. The book is titled “The Art of Living With A Passive Aggressive Husband”.

Just reading the page is helpful, as you can see. It’s a heck of a package, as she’s offering 2 coaching sessions when you purchase the book.

Here is the friendly blog:

http://padontstandforpaloalto.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/the-victims-of-passive-aggression/

"Forgetfulness" by a Passive Aggressive Spouse

I’d like you to meet Tim and Jane. Outwardly, Tim appears happy, agreeable, and obliging. But when Jane asks Tim to do something for her, things never seem to get done properly, or sometimes get done at all. When Jane asks Tim to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home, he forgets. When she asks Tim to help tidy up the living room, he does such a poor job that Jane ends up doing it all herself. Why does this always happen? Tim always says he’ll do it, but very rarely does he ever follow through.

Does this sound familiar? Then you may be dealing with a passive aggressive spouse. The passive aggressive spouse is angry inside, but is unable, or unwilling to share his feelings with his spouse in an upfront manner. As a result, he takes out his frustrations on his wife in a passive way.

A common sign of passive aggressiveness is a spouse that is constantly forgetting to do things. Just as Tim forgets to get the dry cleaning, or forgets to clean the living room, the passive aggressive spouse will say “sure, I’ll do it,” but in the end, he will deliberately lose sight of what he had just agreed to do. This forgetfullness may seem innocent at first, but eventually it will grow into a routine with the ability to destroy a marriage.

This pattern of passive aggressiveness often begins in childhood. Think of what happens when you ask a child to put away their toys. The child will say yes, but instead procrastinates, starts playing with something else, and ignores what he should be doing. Before you know it, an hour has passed an not a single toy has been put away. While this is acceptable behavior for a child, it is not acceptable for the pattern to continue into adulthood.

If your spouse is frequently "forgetting" to do things, you may want to consider that it is passive aggressive behavior. What do you do next? It depends of the relationship, the time you have been married to him (the longer the time, the more resistant to changes he will be) and of your needs to really have his support...

More information on this kind of passive aggression and its impact on marriages can be found on our blog.

Setting Limits With a Passive Aggressive Husband

When dealing with a passive aggressive husband, it is easy to get frustrated. Their forgetfulness, lack of involvement, and all around negativity are bound to take a toll on you. While you may feel that it is impossible for him to change, taking one small step at a time will bring forth positive changes.

If your husband is often behaving in a passive aggressive way, you must be sure to always be direct and straightforward when speaking to him. Do not allow his passive aggressiveness to make you passive aggressive as well. Think of a defiant child.When a child misbehaves, their behavior should not be rewarded, but corrected.

A passive aggressive husband knows your weaknesses and will exploit them to his benefit. Do not fall into this trap. He is just trying to upset you and bring you down.

When setting limits with your husband, you first must decide what you would like him to change and what you are willing to live with. Realistically speaking, you will have to live with some of his quirks. Know what you absolutely need changed, and don’t be unrealistic in your expectations.

Your passive aggressive husband may want to change as well, but maybe he needs your help in doing so. Try to stay patient with him and remember that he is breaking a life long habit. Your support can make all the difference.

The passive aggressive husband will often fall back on excuses to make himself feel better. You should never accept his excuses, as doing so will only cause him to repeat this behavior even more. If your husband has a problem of constantly forgetting things, you could try asking him how it would make him feel if you behaved in that same way.

It is important to set limits with a passive aggressive husband. Remember to be realistic and stick to your limits, while limiting your expectations of what he can give to you.

Defend yourself from Passive Aggressive behaviors!

At first glance, a passive aggressive individual doesn't come across as too angry or acting with a hidden agenda. They appear quite friendly, unassuming and benevolent.

However, after interacting with this style of behavior, you often feel frustrated, offended, guilty or angry. Or depressed, if you have to listen to their always negative view of existence! While not your intention, you may think you did something wrong, but aren't quite sure what it was.

Many relationships, and most counseling professionals, have encountered this inconsistent behavioral pattern. It can be very confusing and often thought of as "crazy-making,” because passive aggressive behavior expresses negative feelings, resentment and anger in an unassertive, almost hidden and passive way.
We are beginning now to think in the multiple ways people can defend from this hidden aggression tactics. Of course, you need first to be aware of when the PA person is doing something to you that will hit you later. And then you need to have a clear view of what you want from the relationship, to be able to put a stop to that relationship wrecker attitude.

Want to know more? we are waiting for you at:

http://creativeconflicts.com/2009/02/fight-back-passive-aggressive-actions/