Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Why do you stay with a Passive Aggressive Husband?
DO YOU YOU NEED TO STAY IN A PA RELATIONSHIP ONLY BECAUSE OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES YOU TELL YOURSELF?
~~"I'm afraid of being alone...." This is because women often have a profound, deep-seated dout in their own competence.
~~"No one else will want me..." Because of insidious nature of emotional abuse, and its long term effects, women often don't even know the damage done to their self esteem.
~~"But he says he loves me..." Many emotional abusers are incapable of really loving anyone... They are so caught up in satisfying their own needs that they are unable to even be aware of the other person's needs, much less to satisfy those needs. This is an empty phrase.
~~"I need him...." If a woman stays long enough in a situation in which she feels she has no control over her own life, she loses all hope and stops trying to improve it. Only if the woman begins to detach from the belief in her own helplessness can she break out of the vicious cycle of dependency of him and its brutal effect on her life.
~~"But I still love him..." Chances are that what you identify as love is dependence, fear of being alone, or pure need. It is difficult to truly love someone who is constantly hurting you... When you realize the depth of the hurt he produced on you, your anger eventually will damage and eat away at whatever love you once felt.
~~"It is more my problem than his..." Typically, an emotionally abused woman attributes the abuser's behavior to some personal inadequacy on her part, or sees it as evidence that she is doing something wrong.
~~"I expect too much from him, from now on, I'm going to accept him as he is..." Chances are that you have been doing this "acceptance behavior" for too long already... lowering your expectations will serve only to lower your self-esteem further.
~~"I am going to work harder on this relationship..." Instead of reacting to abusive criticism with justified anger, emotionally abused women tend to blame themselves for whatever happens, and look to themselves to improve the situation; "if only I cooked better, lost weight," etc..
Some of you will react to this list, and protest that it is "too negative," and with a feeling of being trapped. If this is your case, look harder and begin to see if you are telling yourself any of these previous phrases.
What would it take to drop them and see your reality for what it is? Not blaming yourself, not accepting 100% of the responsibility for the marriage, looking at your own needs...and serenely asking the real question:
"If I stop cheating myself and denying my reality, what do I need to do now to be happier?" And listen carefully at the answers...some of them will give you the self-esteem reinforcement you just need now.