Why do you stay with a Passive Aggressive Husband?

DO YOU YOU NEED TO STAY IN A PA RELATIONSHIP ONLY BECAUSE OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES YOU TELL YOURSELF?



~~"I'm afraid of being alone...." This is because women often have a profound, deep-seated dout in their own competence.

~~"No one else will want me..." Because of insidious nature of emotional abuse, and its long term effects, women often don't even know the damage done to their self esteem.

~~"But he says he loves me..." Many emotional abusers are incapable of really loving anyone... They are so caught up in satisfying their own needs that they are unable to even be aware of the other person's needs, much less to satisfy those needs. This is an empty phrase.

~~"I need him...." If a woman stays long enough in a situation in which she feels she has no control over her own life, she loses all hope and stops trying to improve it. Only if the woman begins to detach from the belief in her own helplessness can she break out of the vicious cycle of dependency of him and its brutal effect on her life.

~~"But I still love him..." Chances are that what you identify as love is dependence, fear of being alone, or pure need. It is difficult to truly love someone who is constantly hurting you... When you realize the depth of the hurt he produced on you, your anger eventually will damage and eat away at whatever love you once felt.

~~"It is more my problem than his..." Typically, an emotionally abused woman attributes the abuser's behavior to some personal inadequacy on her part, or sees it as evidence that she is doing something wrong.

~~"I expect too much from him, from now on, I'm going to accept him as he is..." Chances are that you have been doing this "acceptance behavior" for too long already... lowering your expectations will serve only to lower your self-esteem further.

~~"I am going to work harder on this relationship..." Instead of reacting to abusive criticism with justified anger, emotionally abused women tend to blame themselves for whatever happens, and look to themselves to improve the situation; "if only I cooked better, lost weight," etc..

Some of you will react to this list, and protest that it is "too negative," and with a feeling of being trapped. If this is your case, look harder and begin to see if you are telling yourself any of these previous phrases.

What would it take to drop them and see your reality for what it is? Not blaming yourself, not accepting 100% of the responsibility for the marriage, looking at your own needs...and serenely asking the real question:

"If I stop cheating myself and denying my reality, what do I need to do now to be happier?" And listen carefully at the answers...some of them will give you the self-esteem reinforcement you just need now.

BASICS OF PA BEHAVIOR

REMEMBERING THE BASIC DINAMICS OF PASSIVE AGGRESSION

If there is a lot of hidden aggression in his interactions with you, and you don't see it coming, you will be presented with some painful situations.


You can have your loved one:
• Eternally making excuses to avoid his routine family obligations;
• Performing a task so slowly and inefficiently that you decide to do it;
• Always complaining of being unappreciated while doing less and less;
• Showing a permanent pessimistic mood, even when all is going well;
• Making attempts at humor mixed with hurtful put downs and sarcasm toward you;
• Agree with you in private, then go out and side with others against you.

If passive-aggression is “crazy-making behavior,” which is its target? Of course it is your self-esteem! You, the perplexed person on the receiving end, already engaged with a passive aggressive husband or boyfriend, who doesn't know if she is loved or hated or both at the same time.....


You are so confused by his double message, (the contradiction between what he says and what he does), that you feel like screaming while he remains calm.

Women are supposed to use low voices and avoid shouting, and if you do, it suddenly seems like you are the aggressor!!! After several episodes of this routine, you end up believing this yourself. Then you are ready to apologize to him to end the discussion, and recover some peace....

The combined impact of these two behaviors will eventually wreck your relationship. Passive-aggression played in earnest, as if you were his enemy and not his partner, will eventually cripple any relationship, and especially an intimate one, where both have to trust and depend on each other to be safe and prosper.

If he continues the denial of his feelings of affection and connection with you, he will prevent the development of true intimacy and trust. Now, you are alone, because who wants to live with a person they can’t trust?

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How Do You Know If Someone Has a Passive Aggressive Behavior?

This may come as a surprise to you, but Passive Aggressive behavior is pervasive. Given the fact that open aggression in interpersonal relations is now seen as a despicable fact, punished by law, more and more of men's aggression goes underground. As women claimed more of their own power, some of the men around began to feel unsettled by the role change. Even when they are some women which behave in this way, it is prevalent in men, who use it to protect themselves from the aspects of the relationship they can't deal with. At a wider level, this response has far reaching consequences on family and work life.

Let's look carefully at the sources of your unhappiness, to know if the difficulties are caused by PA behavior that you can neither anticipate nor manage well.
You fall in love and it looks like you will have a companion, someone to share wonderful moments together when you begin perceiving that your companion is always upset, and making you the responsible party of all differences. When something happens, you don't have a conversation where both sides examine what happened and learn from it, taking responsibility for each one's behavior. No, you have a temper tantrum and a guilt inducing session, so strong that you can end up thinking that you are so stupid, so unable to make him/her happy, that you end up feeling as a miserable wreck, or worse.

If you are dealing with passive aggressive people without realizing what is going on, it can be crazy making. You feel dismissed, shut down, ignored but in a subtle enough way that you don't know how to process and react. Your judging brain is being slowly impaired.and diminished by this constant negative environment. You can be accommodating, pleasant and patient, but the situation does not improve; at some point, you explode. Over time, this can turn into a vicious cycle: passive aggressive behavior begets anger and finger-pointing, which in turn begets more passive-aggressive behavior. You find yourself screaming, slamming doors and feeling out of control, which was not part of your behavior before.

Ask yourself these questions:

* Does your partner become angry with you about things over which you have no control? Is he blaming and punishing you for things that happen to him/her that you had no part in?

* Is your partner frequently sullen, depressed and angry about small life circumstances, but ignore the big problems, thus never facing them?

* Do you receive complaints about you don't appreciating him/her enough, not being able to appreciate even when you do more than ever to please this person?

* Is he expressing a deep idea of being cursed by life, being left behind by others who are responsible for all his problems? Does she ever take any responsibility for what happens to her?

* Is your partner describing a world that is his own creation, impervious to whatever you can say to change that? If you offer a different, more positive construct of the world, of your common friends, family and work acquaintances, is it rejected as "fabrications" because what this person sees is the only "truth"?



OK, now, be brave: Does the person you are dealing with displays at least three of the above behaviors? If the answer is YES then you are probably dealing with a passive-aggressive person who never learned how to be in an equal, mature relationship and is reproducing unresolved personal pain from childhood into this new and presumably "more mature" relationship.

If all of this translates later into any kind of abusive behavior, at least you can understand better what happens and how can you regain your integrity and self-respect.

THREE SHORTCUTS YOU CAN USE IMMEDIATELY:

1.- The main problem with passive aggressive behavior is first how to identify this interaction, because the same mind that needs to observe and evaluate (yours) is being confused by a barrage of mixed rational/emotional contradictory messages.

Then, we need to accept confusion and emotional pain as indicators of being in the presence of a relationship with a passive aggressive (PA) person. Is not that you are a less intelligent person; is that another person is confusing you!

2. - A person who displays PA traits is a person who never learnt how to accept and manage his anger, using twisted behavior to project his responsibility on others ("you made him angry") so blaming others for everything real or imaginary that happens to them. Deeply inside, they are emotionally unavailable and can't allow anybody to get very emotionally close, so displaying PA traits is a way to deflect the intensity of feelings, and recover the security of their inner isolation by backing off from emotional intimacy. DON'T feel rejected at a personal level.

3. - It is not related to YOU! You don't have to be a beauty queen, a very successful manager or a sex bombshell to make him happy: it has nothing to do with what you can offer him. Whatever you are, he is probably NOT relating to who you are, but reacting to his own image of what an intimate partner means for him. Getting to know what happens (you attracted a PA person to be your love relationship) has at least to give you this fact for sure: his reactions have nothing to do with you, because he would react in the same way to any one who threatens to enter into his private world. His fear is not of you, but of intimacy and yielding to emotional compromise with any woman.

UNDERSTANDING the three shortcuts you will be able to regain control of the interaction, know where you are when conflict appears and have more power to decide what is next in your life.

Regain the power to be happy in a good relationship, visit now:

http://www.PassiveAggresive.com

Claim Today your copy of "Unfulfilled Promises" And discover how to regain control of your life.

ARTICLE REPUBLISHED FROM :

Defend yourself from Passive Aggressive behaviors!

At first glance, a passive aggressive individual doesn't come across as too angry or acting with a hidden agenda. They appear quite friendly, unassuming and benevolent.

However, after interacting with this style of behavior, you often feel frustrated, offended, guilty or angry. Or depressed, if you have to listen to their always negative view of existence! While not your intention, you may think you did something wrong, but aren't quite sure what it was.

Many relationships, and most counseling professionals, have encountered this inconsistent behavioral pattern. It can be very confusing and often thought of as "crazy-making,” because passive aggressive behavior expresses negative feelings, resentment and anger in an unassertive, almost hidden and passive way.
We are beginning now to think in the multiple ways people can defend from this hidden aggression tactics. Of course, you need first to be aware of when the PA person is doing something to you that will hit you later. And then you need to have a clear view of what you want from the relationship, to be able to put a stop to that relationship wrecker attitude.

Want to know more? we are waiting for you at:

http://creativeconflicts.com/2009/02/fight-back-passive-aggressive-actions/

Are you being punished with isolation?

Is this a case of cold shoulder? Are you being punished with isolation?

The silent treatment is a form of social punishment. It consists of ignoring a particular individual, neither speaking to them not responding to their words.

Is equal to avoid deliberately; keep away from; an aloof refusal to speak to someone you know.

Maintenance of aloof silence toward another as an expression of one's anger or disapproval: a deliberate discourteous act (as an expression of anger or disapproval) can really hurt. If you are tempted to use this sanction against your partner, know that it can be lethal for the relationship.

Are you getting the cold shoulder, but you don't know why? Is someone who's normally eager to speak to you now keeping your conversations to the bare minimum? This can be hurtful, frustrating, and confusing. Here's how to confront the person who's ignoring you without making things worse.

Steps
Make sure you're not just being paranoid. Perhaps he or she is being quiet because someone in his family is ill, or she's having personal problems. In this case, you shouldn't take it personally - let them have their space. But, you need to worry if this person is:

• only acting quietly towards you and not towards others,
• and for an extended period of time,

Question your own behavior. When did they start giving you the silent treatment? What happened that day, or the days right before their behavior changed? Could you have done or said something that was insensitive? Did something change? Try to understand what could've set off the silence. Narrow it down to a few possibilities and try to think of how you can fix the situation, if the problem is real and it happened and you can see it.

Rehearse what you're going to say. It's easy to get nervous and/or defensive, or to come off the wrong way, if you aren't prepared. Close your eyes and imagine you're alone with this person and say out loud what you want to say.

Begin by apologizing if you did something to offend or hurt the person, even if you're not sure what it is. Say something like "Look, I'm sorry if I've done or said something stupid to you."
Tell them that you value their company or friendship. (E.g. "I've really enjoyed spending time/working with you.")

Let him or her know that if something's bothering them, you're all ears.

Offer to leave them alone. After all, a silent treatment indicates that he or she no longer wants to speak with you for whatever reason. If they won't share or discuss the reason, there's not much else you can do. Just have the person confirm openly that he or she wants you to stop talking to them. If they say yes, they want you to leave them alone, then leave them alone. If they say no, or not really, or I'm not sure, then say something like "Well, what's going on? Maybe we can figure something out together."

Speak to the person when you're alone and are unlikely to be interrupted. Then get to the point: "I care about you and the relationship, and keeping silent will not help us reconnect. Can you tell me what is wrong?"

A WORD OF CAUTION:

If there is no dialogue after your honest attempt at reconciliation, the capacity of your partner of hoarding anger and righteous indignation is scary. He wants to be right, not to re-connect. If this happens very often, then it will be for her a means of controlling you and transform you in a human wreck. If there is no negotiation, you need to have a careful look at the situation, and evaluate the impact of this moral pain in your health. Is this relationship worth this kind of stress? You got together because you wanted support, company and recognition; if you get punishment and isolation, what is the point? something is very wrong here, and you need to be self protective, so explore carefully the possibility of getting external help for this relationship.