The power of recognition to change toxic silence

Is this barren land the territory of your relationship?







"My husband and I can barely have a discussion about anything without us getting thoroughly annoyed with each other (subject matter can be anything from the most mundane to the most sophisticated) because we are both hurting and feeling unloved and unfufilled by the other....so there’s not much of an effort to really engage.

Neither of us is excited by the other person’s ideas or feelings anymore, it is really all logistics.

The bad communication, constant traveling, blame blame blame and hurt hurt hurt followed by loneliness loneliness loneliness all happened first and then you add that passive aggression that blocks any initiative to communicate and we end up living like two zombies together...."

The interesting point is that both feel unloved by the other....Reading some of Chloe Madanes' work, she mentions six human needs, of which love and connection is one very important and the other is recognition.

What if, (assuming that you have a bit of energy to apply to your relationship), you decide that you are fulfilling some of these needs in your partner? To break the cycle, perhaps to change the dynamics...whatever the motivation, it will be the equivalent of a guerrilla attack on the other....At the moment when he or she is waiting exactly nothing, you provide some recognition? It's shocking!

It doesn't need to be anything elaborate, enough to say "It's good that you filled the gas tank in the car, so I can use it now...." and leave it there. Find something real to appreciate, there is no need to invent any fake characteristic because it will received as a cruel irony.

Basically, see with other eyes: find some positive aspect, and mention it with no sarcasm or irony.
And wait. See the changes....there must be some softening of positions, or less anger in the air, or suddenly the silence becomes communication again.

We all have those needs...it's important to offer positive reinforcement of the truly good qualities of the other. Don't evaluate if the other deserves or not some praise, just do it. And see the dynamics change for good.

Why do you stay with a Passive Aggressive Husband?

DO YOU YOU NEED TO STAY IN A PA RELATIONSHIP ONLY BECAUSE OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES YOU TELL YOURSELF?



~~"I'm afraid of being alone...." This is because women often have a profound, deep-seated dout in their own competence.

~~"No one else will want me..." Because of insidious nature of emotional abuse, and its long term effects, women often don't even know the damage done to their self esteem.

~~"But he says he loves me..." Many emotional abusers are incapable of really loving anyone... They are so caught up in satisfying their own needs that they are unable to even be aware of the other person's needs, much less to satisfy those needs. This is an empty phrase.

~~"I need him...." If a woman stays long enough in a situation in which she feels she has no control over her own life, she loses all hope and stops trying to improve it. Only if the woman begins to detach from the belief in her own helplessness can she break out of the vicious cycle of dependency of him and its brutal effect on her life.

~~"But I still love him..." Chances are that what you identify as love is dependence, fear of being alone, or pure need. It is difficult to truly love someone who is constantly hurting you... When you realize the depth of the hurt he produced on you, your anger eventually will damage and eat away at whatever love you once felt.

~~"It is more my problem than his..." Typically, an emotionally abused woman attributes the abuser's behavior to some personal inadequacy on her part, or sees it as evidence that she is doing something wrong.

~~"I expect too much from him, from now on, I'm going to accept him as he is..." Chances are that you have been doing this "acceptance behavior" for too long already... lowering your expectations will serve only to lower your self-esteem further.

~~"I am going to work harder on this relationship..." Instead of reacting to abusive criticism with justified anger, emotionally abused women tend to blame themselves for whatever happens, and look to themselves to improve the situation; "if only I cooked better, lost weight," etc..

Some of you will react to this list, and protest that it is "too negative," and with a feeling of being trapped. If this is your case, look harder and begin to see if you are telling yourself any of these previous phrases.

What would it take to drop them and see your reality for what it is? Not blaming yourself, not accepting 100% of the responsibility for the marriage, looking at your own needs...and serenely asking the real question:

"If I stop cheating myself and denying my reality, what do I need to do now to be happier?" And listen carefully at the answers...some of them will give you the self-esteem reinforcement you just need now.

What are the signals of a partner’s passive aggression?

What are the signals of a partner’s passive aggression?

Here we are exactly at that situation where you begin to look around, trying to find an explanation for the huge difference between the life you are having and the life you dreamed of….

And when you ask,  the response is pointing directly at your partners’ behavior.

Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior is extremely challenging because a really good, effective passive aggressive behavior is very slippery. 

Often you may not be sure if you have been the victim of passive aggressive behavior-or not. 

You may be feeling angry and upset, feeling as if being hit by the metaphorical bus, but not sure of where from the blow came or who is responsible? 

Can it only be a series of casual events, no bad intentions from anyone, only “bad luck”? 

Or there is something else? 

And how can you tell the difference? 

 

Passive-aggression is a pattern of behavior in which someone expresses their negative feelings or resentment indirectly, rather than directly expressing their anger or frustration. In a couple, passive-aggression can manifest in a variety of ways. Some common examples include:

1. Sarcasm: Making sarcastic or cutting comments in order to convey frustration or anger.Has he accused you of "poisoning me with her cooking" in front of his friends?
   

2. Procrastination: Deliberately dragging their feet or not following through on tasks or requests in order to express resentment or anger. He let the trash all packed but not on the curve? Here you have a clear case of an angry message wrapped in procrastination.
   

3. Withholding communication: Refusing to communicate openly and honestly, or withholding important information in order to punish or control the other person. So, if you ask him: Why are you using passive aggression to communicate with me? he will be very upset and accuse you of imagining things.
   

4. Sabotaging plans: Undermining the other person's plans or efforts in subtle or covert ways.

5. Giving the silent treatment: Refusing to engage in communication or interaction in order to punish or control the other person. This is a whole chapter on hurtful behavior we need to find out more of!
   

Passive-aggression can be damaging to your relationship because it creates a climate of distrust and resentment. You never know what's going on!

It can be difficult for the person on the receiving end to understand what is happening, and it can lead to feelings of frustration and isolation. You can start blaming yourself for his lack of communication.

If you are in a relationship with someone who exhibits passive-aggressive behavior, it can be helpful to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings and try to work together to find healthier ways of expressing frustration and anger. 

Of course, this response is your ideal way of responding to the person you love. However, it is possible that he can't receive your good intentions by listening to your pain...

We will provide you with more ways of connecting with your passive-aggressive husband.