Are you missing a bit of old fashioned conflict?

Perhaps some of our readers are asking What???....and others are saying Yes!



Some people could just now be missing a good confrontation, one of those that clean the air and allow you to discharge pent up thoughts and feelings...so you are ready to reconnect again, baggage dropped, and complaints aired enough.
At least, you know where you are...if you share your life with someone so scared of confrontation that systematically avoids conflict, then you are in another pickle.

If your partner, being told long ago that expressing thoughts and feelings that are negative is socially unacceptable, avoids conflicts, then you are in very shaky ground. You never know for sure what the person is experiencing....but you know enough to be sure that the trash is building up; resentment grows under the shield of silence, and some storm is brewing in the horizon.

How do you know? well, you learn fast that the signals are there, for you to see: “Forgetting" to deliver what you need and he promised; couching his anger in kind words followed by a sharp comment on you, agreeing with you and then telling others you’re wrong, being habitually late to meetings where you are invested – these are just a few of the ways a passive-aggressive person manages to express his hostility while still maintaining his “good guy” image.

Using passive-aggression is a way to control situations and people without seeming to be in control, or avoiding accountability. It is a very weird way of being there, but not taking responsibility. By allowing others -in this case you- to take charge, he leaves himself only one option for getting what he wants: sabotage.

What is the solution? To train yourself on assertive techniques, of course. Once you have identified the various ways in which he hides from taking on his share of tasks, you can know when he is hiding.

There is a sequence of words, the "I" assertive sequence, that works in this way:

When you....(here you mention the behavior you want to target) I feel (include your feelings) because (explain how his behavior affects you in a direct way).

"When you make fun of me in front of your friends, telling about my shopping expenses, I feel disappointed because it makes me look as if I'm an idiot that doesn't know how to take care of money."

"When you forget to come back to the house in time for us to go together to the doctor's for our child, I feel very sad because you leave me to face his indications alone, without any support."

This way of confronting him is not magic, but takes away the sting of reproach and accusations that he can experience and surely will make him hide again and be angry at you. What you want to say is the impact that his behavior (no more ignored by you, carefully described as fact) has on you.

If you practice this way of reporting your feelings to him, and expect nothing afterwards (don't wait for his excuses or apologies) you will give him all the impact of his behavior without the chance of covering it up with his logic, silence or pouting. Say the phrase and walk away.

Can you get a passive aggressive person to change?

All the time, when we talk with long suffering wives,
the first question on passive aggressive relationships is:



How the other person doing this behavior will change?


Well, we could be going around and around with the answer, but if you really want to know what is the lever to make him change, you probably would wish to visit this blog about


Passive Aggressive Husbands.

So, here is your answer! direct, unvarnished and straightforward! Now, what are you going to do with your relationship?

Stress, conflict and the wrong way of keeping the peace

Recent research has shown that our bodies are intertwined with all our emotional states. Having constant stress means that we are faced with the need to find peaceful surroundings.

What happens when you look for peace and love at home, and you find too many squabbles? You are searching for refuge and find instead constant quarreling with your spouse? Wouldn’t it be healthier to be able to go home and find loving companionship? This kind of home will give your health a boost, and make your heart sing with joy.

We need to say that couple fights are inevitable given that both parties, male and female need to start a fight sometimes when in need of refreshing the connection and companionship, and to keep the relationship growing. But fighting without skills can do a lot of damage to your health and your relationship. It’s the quality of the fighting the factor that matters in preventing unhealthy consequences.

There is the special case of marital conflict when one partner shows passive aggressive behaviors, where a supposedly mature person behaves in a way that pushes their own share of responsibilities to their partner’s side.

And if the partner tries to redress this issue, the response they get is not a good conversation about “what do we need to do now to improve”, but blaming, accusations, bad temper and either sulking or complete withdrawal. Then, women retreat.

When women make the decision to be silent, they are choosing the short way out to protect themselves from a sad situation, and it also signals that they have given up the hope to be treated with respect. Giving up your right to be respected is so stressful that affects women making them more vulnerable to heart attacks.

Now we know more about the price women pay for “keeping the peace by self-silencing”: studies led by Dana Crowley Jack , a professor of interdisciplinary studies at Western Washington University in Bellingham, Wash., have linked the self-silencing trait to numerous psychological and physical health risks, including depression, eating disorders and heart disease.

The quality of the interaction hinges on the mutual respect parties can show for each other, even in the heat of an argument.

Knowing this, there has to be a way to learn how to create a safe environment where both spouses can equally communicate with respect, and this is the area of fair fighting skills.

These are a set of skills that help partners to clarify the situation, allow both sides to recognize their needs and provide a way to find a solution without violence.

Women due to their ignorance of methods to fight fair and assert, find themselves being more attacked, hurt and put down. That is the reason women need fair fighting training! Do you want to learn the necessary skills to be more assertive? Do you need training in fair fighting techniques to deal with any passive aggressive partner in your life?

Here is the way to emotional healing.

Are you enabling a passive-aggressive person?

INVITED GUEST WRITER: DR. RHOBERTA SHALER

It takes two for there to be passive-aggression. That means that, if you are not the passive-aggressive one, you may well be the enabler.

What does it mean to be an enabler? That’s simple. You allow the person to continue to behave in ways that are relationship- and/or team-destroying. You do not confront the behavior or indicate that there are consequences to it continuing if they want to have a relationship with you or continue to be employed. You simply make it possible for the behavior to continue, no matter how much you complain, moan or whine to others, augmenting the drama. You enable them to be passive-aggressive. It is a dance for two. When you stop enabling, they cease to have a partner in crime!

“Oh, that sounds so straight forward. But, what if I work with them? I’m not choosing to be with them all day. I didn’t hire them.”

That’s true. You may not have chosen them to spend your day with, but, you’re there, earning your living together. So, you can create some clarity about how you work best, and/or want to be treated. You do have some input into the relationship every day.

Here are a couple of scenarios that you might find familiar:

You have an important conversation and, from it, create a set of agreements with a colleague. She swears blind that the neither the conversation, or particularly the agreements, ever took place.
You take the time to carefully go over a task you are assigning. You take particular care to be clear and specific about how the task is to be done. When you get it back, it looks nothing like what you so carefully requested. When you debrief with the person and challenge them on the specifics, they say, “You never told me to do it that way.”
Everyone at the team meeting is clear about the upcoming deadline and the tasks they have been assigned and agreed to complete in a timely manner. On the day of the deadline, a colleague calls in sick and has not finished her tasks.
These are three prime examples of passive-aggression in daily work life. Familiar?

What can you do? You do have options. They are not instantaneous fixes but rather incremental ones that require you have the strength and clarity to create and hold boundaries and systems. Here are some suggestions:

Take the time to send a colleague a confirming email with a summary of the conversation and the agreements steming from it. Ask them to respond immediately and affirm the details. Print it out. This creates a dated paper trail.
When a task has clear, specific directions, put them in an email. Again, ask the receiver to affirm receipt by return email. Print it out. Tedious? Yes. Clarifying? Yes. Imperative? Unfortunately, when dealing with passive-aggressive co-workers.
If a pattern of not coming to work on days work is due has been established, it must be brought out into the open using direct facts. In my opinion, twice is a pattern worth discussing. Also, if you have used emails to confirm deadlines, details, agreements, and timelines well, the facts of the current matter will be simple. This is unacceptable and definitely anti-team, uncollaborative behavior.
If you find it difficult to have confrontative conversations, you can acquire the skills to make it easier. Few people enjoy confrontation, however, it is not a four-letter word! Practice stating your preferences on small issues. Then, when it is imperative to confront a pattern, you’ll be more comfortable.



Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Psychologist. Consultant. Mediator. Mentor.
www.Rhoberta.com