Practising the art of conflict avoidance in marital relations

When facing the task of sharing my ideas around…there is always this question before me: who would be interested? 

Let’s assume that you are interested in this short reflection?

Speaking about conflict is a gray area…people normally don’t want to focus on it, but when confronted with painful situations that demand a response now…

That is the moment when you want to recall or know the strategies to manage this overwhelming situation…and you don’t have them.

In my own life, conflict seemed to ambush me. Unexpected situations where others were upset at me, about reasons I could not understand…silly behaviors done without any bad intentions, done out of routine decisions, were interpreted as purposeful offenses. 

I didn’t know how to deal with those sudden confrontations, coming out of the blue!

What I never saw coming, was the impact that my own actions could have on others. It was as if I was inside a bubble, only accountable to myself, going along in a world where nobody else was connected with me. People wanting to confront me felt as if they needed to shake up my bubble by screaming at me…or so they told me! 

Has it happened to you? people telling you that whatever you are doing, on your own, however stupid or banal, is for them an offense, an attack or a sleigh of hand? 

I was forced to look at the inter-connectedness of all people…if I go to my office dressing in this or that way, how are people going to react? what kind of message, conscious or unconscious am I sending them? The impact of this perspective is sometimes too much! I want to say: “whatever others think of me is their own business, I don’t have to care about their experiences with me…it’s all in their imagination!”

Now, please, imagine the same scenario between two married people…and the possibilities are dizzying…  There is no easy escape hatch: I can’t say: it’s all in his/her imagination…because that imagination is an active part of the marriage deal: I see you, you see me; then, I see you seeing me, and imagining or interpreting Z, but is really X, (I said: “No dinner today, I will not cook”) and you saw my laziness when I wanted to express my being so tired…You see me seeing you, and coming up with a view of you that is insulting, or demeaning, or denigrating my intentions…

Of course, you know what is coming…I had to begin sending messages and a disclaimer at the same time:

HERE IS THE MESSAGE: “Can we get take out food tonight? Can you get something fast?”

HERE IS THE DISCLAIMER: “I’m telling you this, because I want you to understand my (feelings: I’m dead tired today ) and we need to come up with the best solution to get dinner on the table fast”

I don’t have an easier solution here. Only the option of explaining myself all the time, (for a looong time…) up to the moment when the other person, just by looking at me, will infer the right reason I’m doing X….at this moment, perhaps this is the best definition of a good marriage I can come up with: “a permanent situation where the other person can see my motivations in the right way and go along, without me having to explain myself all the time.”

Now, wouldn’t it be a good thing? It looks like being recognized as the person I am! such a wonderful thing…So much, that I’m ready to fight if I don’t get it!

Passive Aggressive Denial of Intimacy Hurts the Couple... so why does it happen?

Sex as a means of control is something many women struggle with in a passive aggressive marriage, although it is a sensitive and private matter that most don’t want to share (understandably). Passive aggressive husbands can almost always get their desired outcome by withholding sex as punishment - 
it is a punishment that a victim will usually feel guilty about recounting!

If you suspect this is happening to you in your marriage, here are some facts. It’s a simple and unfortunate truth that as a way of frustrating you, and retaining control of the relationship, your passive aggressive husband will at some point show no interest in sex, exactly when you feel that the two of you are connecting and happy together. Sometimes it might be after a nice day with the kids, or a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant.

So, if it’s passive aggressive punishment, why does there seem to be even less notice than usual? Most often, sex is withheld as punishment because of something that happened during the day that your husband cannot express to you emotionally. It could be that he felt emasculated by you taking control of punishing the children, or that he resents spending money (even when spent on himself, too). The take-away point here is that it usually has NOTHING to do with sex itself. In other words, you don’t need to lie in bed wondering whether you’ve “lost it.”

What happens when you lie awake worrying like this is that the punishment 100% does what it was meant to do. Your husband’s passive punishment turns into something you do to yourself. You punish yourself by telling yourself you’re not thin, attractive, satisfying enough. At that point, he has effectively controlled the situation and your ideas about your own self-worth.

Something wives wonder at this point is how the passive aggressive man views sex. It’s a good question to ask. Something to remember is that for the passive aggressive man, sex means vulnerability (because it’s intimate). He feels that withholding sex will prove his independence and hide his fear of rejection....

In short: the dynamics has to do more with an internal battle raging inside the husband, which prevents him from being spontaneous and playful, and promotes being guarded and cold. So, no need to blame the wife; there are more hidden reasons for this "love freeze" to happen!

Are you enabling a passive-aggressive person?

INVITED GUEST WRITER: DR. RHOBERTA SHALER

It takes two for there to be passive-aggression. That means that, if you are not the passive-aggressive one, you may well be the enabler.

What does it mean to be an enabler? That’s simple. You allow the person to continue to behave in ways that are relationship- and/or team-destroying. You do not confront the behavior or indicate that there are consequences to it continuing if they want to have a relationship with you or continue to be employed. You simply make it possible for the behavior to continue, no matter how much you complain, moan or whine to others, augmenting the drama. You enable them to be passive-aggressive. It is a dance for two. When you stop enabling, they cease to have a partner in crime!

“Oh, that sounds so straight forward. But, what if I work with them? I’m not choosing to be with them all day. I didn’t hire them.”

That’s true. You may not have chosen them to spend your day with, but, you’re there, earning your living together. So, you can create some clarity about how you work best, and/or want to be treated. You do have some input into the relationship every day.

Here are a couple of scenarios that you might find familiar:

You have an important conversation and, from it, create a set of agreements with a colleague. She swears blind that the neither the conversation, or particularly the agreements, ever took place.
You take the time to carefully go over a task you are assigning. You take particular care to be clear and specific about how the task is to be done. When you get it back, it looks nothing like what you so carefully requested. When you debrief with the person and challenge them on the specifics, they say, “You never told me to do it that way.”
Everyone at the team meeting is clear about the upcoming deadline and the tasks they have been assigned and agreed to complete in a timely manner. On the day of the deadline, a colleague calls in sick and has not finished her tasks.
These are three prime examples of passive-aggression in daily work life. Familiar?

What can you do? You do have options. They are not instantaneous fixes but rather incremental ones that require you have the strength and clarity to create and hold boundaries and systems. Here are some suggestions:

Take the time to send a colleague a confirming email with a summary of the conversation and the agreements steming from it. Ask them to respond immediately and affirm the details. Print it out. This creates a dated paper trail.
When a task has clear, specific directions, put them in an email. Again, ask the receiver to affirm receipt by return email. Print it out. Tedious? Yes. Clarifying? Yes. Imperative? Unfortunately, when dealing with passive-aggressive co-workers.
If a pattern of not coming to work on days work is due has been established, it must be brought out into the open using direct facts. In my opinion, twice is a pattern worth discussing. Also, if you have used emails to confirm deadlines, details, agreements, and timelines well, the facts of the current matter will be simple. This is unacceptable and definitely anti-team, uncollaborative behavior.
If you find it difficult to have confrontative conversations, you can acquire the skills to make it easier. Few people enjoy confrontation, however, it is not a four-letter word! Practice stating your preferences on small issues. Then, when it is imperative to confront a pattern, you’ll be more comfortable.



Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Psychologist. Consultant. Mediator. Mentor.
www.Rhoberta.com