Passive aggression or open aggression: which is best?

Perhaps, up front, the response is: neither. It depends of the circumstances.
There is a very subtle game, by which both people in a constant interaction, like in marriage, can drive each other nuts. The funny aspect is that, by being able to sustain passive aggressive behavior for a long time, a person can provoke his partner in such a way that she will be seen easily as "the most aggressive of the two."

Why? because she will be pushed to her limit, and either she used or no to show her degree of exasperation before him, now she reacts with screaming and yelling as her more appropriate response to so much passivity.

In this case passive anger commonly referred to as “passive aggressive” behavior can be just as destructive as overt anger.

Jim knew that every time he would withdraw in a discussion it would drive Alice up the wall. He knew that not following through on commitments frustrated her to the point of anger. Over and over again, his cheerful admission of broken promises pushed Alice’s hottest button.

This is a hidden, silent tug of war: the more passive Jim could be, the more out of control Alice would be. On the surface, this was a lose-lose situation, where both would be losers...but who knows Jim's internal needs?

Perhaps having an angry partner exonerated himself of the guilt for his own passivity? Kind of rationalizing: "I have to be quiet because she will escalate the fight more and more...better to be withdrawn and silent." In this way, he will be exactly causing the circumstances he is forcing Alice to react to, but in his own eyes, he will be a victim of her "bat temperament."

How can this cycle of escalating angry behavior be stopped? Since you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge the first step is getting both spouses to see and acknowledge their behaviors.

"Each time that you, Jim, withdraw into your clam and avoid doing your share of the house chores, you have to face that you are producing facts in the household that have consequences. Like Alice's frustration."

The first step is owning the frustrating behavior, and linking it with the other side's responses. Having an interactive vision of the reciprocal behaviors help to lower the emotions and helps also to focus in the interaction.

Ideally, each spouse should be able to tell himself/herself: "every time I see the other person doing X, I will not react with more withdrawal/frustration. I have other tools to restore communication and peace, like asking what happens with the other person and reviewing our mutual agreements and promises."

The point here being that both sides are responsible of keeping a healthy communication going, and of course, both are responsible of their shared tasks. Being responsible in this case means growing up to the status of adult person, able to maintain a healthy relationship.

Are you enabling a passive-aggressive person?

INVITED GUEST WRITER: DR. RHOBERTA SHALER

It takes two for there to be passive-aggression. That means that, if you are not the passive-aggressive one, you may well be the enabler.

What does it mean to be an enabler? That’s simple. You allow the person to continue to behave in ways that are relationship- and/or team-destroying. You do not confront the behavior or indicate that there are consequences to it continuing if they want to have a relationship with you or continue to be employed. You simply make it possible for the behavior to continue, no matter how much you complain, moan or whine to others, augmenting the drama. You enable them to be passive-aggressive. It is a dance for two. When you stop enabling, they cease to have a partner in crime!

“Oh, that sounds so straight forward. But, what if I work with them? I’m not choosing to be with them all day. I didn’t hire them.”

That’s true. You may not have chosen them to spend your day with, but, you’re there, earning your living together. So, you can create some clarity about how you work best, and/or want to be treated. You do have some input into the relationship every day.

Here are a couple of scenarios that you might find familiar:

You have an important conversation and, from it, create a set of agreements with a colleague. She swears blind that the neither the conversation, or particularly the agreements, ever took place.
You take the time to carefully go over a task you are assigning. You take particular care to be clear and specific about how the task is to be done. When you get it back, it looks nothing like what you so carefully requested. When you debrief with the person and challenge them on the specifics, they say, “You never told me to do it that way.”
Everyone at the team meeting is clear about the upcoming deadline and the tasks they have been assigned and agreed to complete in a timely manner. On the day of the deadline, a colleague calls in sick and has not finished her tasks.
These are three prime examples of passive-aggression in daily work life. Familiar?

What can you do? You do have options. They are not instantaneous fixes but rather incremental ones that require you have the strength and clarity to create and hold boundaries and systems. Here are some suggestions:

Take the time to send a colleague a confirming email with a summary of the conversation and the agreements steming from it. Ask them to respond immediately and affirm the details. Print it out. This creates a dated paper trail.
When a task has clear, specific directions, put them in an email. Again, ask the receiver to affirm receipt by return email. Print it out. Tedious? Yes. Clarifying? Yes. Imperative? Unfortunately, when dealing with passive-aggressive co-workers.
If a pattern of not coming to work on days work is due has been established, it must be brought out into the open using direct facts. In my opinion, twice is a pattern worth discussing. Also, if you have used emails to confirm deadlines, details, agreements, and timelines well, the facts of the current matter will be simple. This is unacceptable and definitely anti-team, uncollaborative behavior.
If you find it difficult to have confrontative conversations, you can acquire the skills to make it easier. Few people enjoy confrontation, however, it is not a four-letter word! Practice stating your preferences on small issues. Then, when it is imperative to confront a pattern, you’ll be more comfortable.



Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Psychologist. Consultant. Mediator. Mentor.
www.Rhoberta.com

BASICS OF PA BEHAVIOR

REMEMBERING THE BASIC DINAMICS OF PASSIVE AGGRESSION

If there is a lot of hidden aggression in his interactions with you, and you don't see it coming, you will be presented with some painful situations.


You can have your loved one:
• Eternally making excuses to avoid his routine family obligations;
• Performing a task so slowly and inefficiently that you decide to do it;
• Always complaining of being unappreciated while doing less and less;
• Showing a permanent pessimistic mood, even when all is going well;
• Making attempts at humor mixed with hurtful put downs and sarcasm toward you;
• Agree with you in private, then go out and side with others against you.

If passive-aggression is “crazy-making behavior,” which is its target? Of course it is your self-esteem! You, the perplexed person on the receiving end, already engaged with a passive aggressive husband or boyfriend, who doesn't know if she is loved or hated or both at the same time.....


You are so confused by his double message, (the contradiction between what he says and what he does), that you feel like screaming while he remains calm.

Women are supposed to use low voices and avoid shouting, and if you do, it suddenly seems like you are the aggressor!!! After several episodes of this routine, you end up believing this yourself. Then you are ready to apologize to him to end the discussion, and recover some peace....

The combined impact of these two behaviors will eventually wreck your relationship. Passive-aggression played in earnest, as if you were his enemy and not his partner, will eventually cripple any relationship, and especially an intimate one, where both have to trust and depend on each other to be safe and prosper.

If he continues the denial of his feelings of affection and connection with you, he will prevent the development of true intimacy and trust. Now, you are alone, because who wants to live with a person they can’t trust?

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