Practising the art of conflict avoidance in marital relations

When facing the task of sharing my ideas around…there is always this question before me: who would be interested? 

Let’s assume that you are interested in this short reflection?

Speaking about conflict is a gray area…people normally don’t want to focus on it, but when confronted with painful situations that demand a response now…

That is the moment when you want to recall or know the strategies to manage this overwhelming situation…and you don’t have them.

In my own life, conflict seemed to ambush me. Unexpected situations where others were upset at me, about reasons I could not understand…silly behaviors done without any bad intentions, done out of routine decisions, were interpreted as purposeful offenses. 

I didn’t know how to deal with those sudden confrontations, coming out of the blue!

What I never saw coming, was the impact that my own actions could have on others. It was as if I was inside a bubble, only accountable to myself, going along in a world where nobody else was connected with me. People wanting to confront me felt as if they needed to shake up my bubble by screaming at me…or so they told me! 

Has it happened to you? people telling you that whatever you are doing, on your own, however stupid or banal, is for them an offense, an attack or a sleigh of hand? 

I was forced to look at the inter-connectedness of all people…if I go to my office dressing in this or that way, how are people going to react? what kind of message, conscious or unconscious am I sending them? The impact of this perspective is sometimes too much! I want to say: “whatever others think of me is their own business, I don’t have to care about their experiences with me…it’s all in their imagination!”

Now, please, imagine the same scenario between two married people…and the possibilities are dizzying…  There is no easy escape hatch: I can’t say: it’s all in his/her imagination…because that imagination is an active part of the marriage deal: I see you, you see me; then, I see you seeing me, and imagining or interpreting Z, but is really X, (I said: “No dinner today, I will not cook”) and you saw my laziness when I wanted to express my being so tired…You see me seeing you, and coming up with a view of you that is insulting, or demeaning, or denigrating my intentions…

Of course, you know what is coming…I had to begin sending messages and a disclaimer at the same time:

HERE IS THE MESSAGE: “Can we get take out food tonight? Can you get something fast?”

HERE IS THE DISCLAIMER: “I’m telling you this, because I want you to understand my (feelings: I’m dead tired today ) and we need to come up with the best solution to get dinner on the table fast”

I don’t have an easier solution here. Only the option of explaining myself all the time, (for a looong time…) up to the moment when the other person, just by looking at me, will infer the right reason I’m doing X….at this moment, perhaps this is the best definition of a good marriage I can come up with: “a permanent situation where the other person can see my motivations in the right way and go along, without me having to explain myself all the time.”

Now, wouldn’t it be a good thing? It looks like being recognized as the person I am! such a wonderful thing…So much, that I’m ready to fight if I don’t get it!

How the passive aggressive game is played in your marriage?

There are many interactions, but mainly they are repetitive....One person wants to get near and makes moves to invite the other person into a shared activity that includes some intimacy; the PA person senses the wish/need underneath the invitation and freaks out, and tries to build up some reason for the distance, the coldness, the separation....whatever you want to call the wall between the two.


And, in this play, you can spend your life....WHY? Find a tentative response here, in this clear and deep article:

A Passive Aggressive Husband needs his anger target: Is that you?

Love is not humiliation, right?

Have you suffered any public humiliation at the hands of your loved one?


There are some behaviors from our husbands or wives, correcting us in public in a demeaning way, that are totally humiliating.


We know it is wrong; we know it hurts....but, do we have a clear idea of the kind of treatment we want instead?

We have a new posting at our blog: PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE HUSBAND, the second one in the "DREAMS series. There you can check what other women responded to the question; what do you really want instead of being humiliated in public?

Remember that, as soon as you have a clear idea of what is that you want to have, it is easier to make a plan to get it! So, confusion disappears and you can ask yourself: "Now, how do I get more of what I want"?

Do you need to read it just now? Go to Passive Aggressive Husband!

Can you get a passive aggressive person to change?

All the time, when we talk with long suffering wives,
the first question on passive aggressive relationships is:



How the other person doing this behavior will change?


Well, we could be going around and around with the answer, but if you really want to know what is the lever to make him change, you probably would wish to visit this blog about


Passive Aggressive Husbands.

So, here is your answer! direct, unvarnished and straightforward! Now, what are you going to do with your relationship?

Passive aggressive is a term which is not very commonly known by people because letting out aggression or anger in a passive way is not something that people think actually exists. Most people consider anger is something that can be let out only by shouting, yelling or may be through physical violence. However, this is not true and most of us may have come across people with passive aggressive people sometimes in our lives, without actually realizing it.

This is because the passive aggressive person shows a charming and interested personality which hides their actual nature. It is easy to get attracted to them. Even if they are reserved and silent, it gives them an aura of misteriousness that is exciting for some women.

When the moment comes, they let out their anger in a passive and tactful manner, so confusing that the wife starts thinking that the problem is actually with her. This can be truly frustrating for the woman and more over, making her feel crazy.


In our culture many people are told that it is wrong to show anger openly and though they finally learn to do this, they find other ways to let out that anger which are more subtle. We don't know how many people are trained in doing the passive aggressive communication style, but it is becoming prevalent in marriage and in workplaces.

The passive aggressive man is a person who has the fear of depending on others. Though he wants to be in a relationship, he does not want to be totally dependent on that person. Due to this, he tries to control the other person in an indirect way. Actually, he does not like to be alone and at the same time, does not want to compromise on his independence.

Due to this duality, he also rejects intimacy as well as sharing his true thoughts with his partner. He thinks that once his partner knows what is going on in his mind, he will become vulnerable. Hence, though he projects himself as a loving and caring husband, he will find a way to be away from you. For instance, the moment he thinks that he is getting closer to you, he will do something to go away from you like may be abstaining from sex by making false excuses.


You might want to stay and teach this person how to recognize his feelings and how to communicate better. However, one thing every woman must understand is that it is not an easy task to change a person's deep character and attitude. Counseling your husband can be effective in bringing a change in him, only if he realizes and accepts that there is some problem with him.

Nevertheless, if you do not find any difference in your husband's attitude and do not think he is likely to change, it will be best to find legal separation to save yourself from the emotional trauma of living with a man who you are not able to connect emotionally with.

Assertion is the way out of passive aggressive behavior!

Have you ever been afraid of interpersonal conflicts and their consequences? Unsure of how to respond in a way that promotes a normal, respectful interaction? Are you in a relationship where there is a lot of isolation and rejection on purpose, so you are put in a hurtful, frustrating, and confusing situation? Are you feeling hurt and lonely in an intimate relationship?

You can learn a way to confront the person who's ignoring you without making things worse.

Probably nobody taught you in the past how to assert yourself, and in this way you did not had the skills necessary to face difficult interactions....ending in a place where you feel scared, controlled or abused.

Well, here is a way to build your self-esteem and know how to respond to the silent treatment and other exclusionary tactics in a way that respects what you do need, and also takes care of the relationship.

You don't have to deny the situation you are in, to "forget" that you are feeling scared or pushed into a little corner! Now you can learn how to turn around a situation and use it for better purposes. Then, you can learn how to use these easy methods in every aspect of your life: work, family, love.

Assertion is the art of saying what you need or believe in a way that other people can hear you clearly. This ability is essential for effective problem-solving. The alternatives to assertion are submission (letting other people's needs come before yours, which will happen if you accept the cold shoulder treatment for a long time) and aggression - forcing your needs on another person without their agreement. Both are lose-lose options.

Interested in continuing this conversation? You can read more in this article, and also you can find support for your assertion project here:

BASICS OF PA BEHAVIOR

REMEMBERING THE BASIC DINAMICS OF PASSIVE AGGRESSION

If there is a lot of hidden aggression in his interactions with you, and you don't see it coming, you will be presented with some painful situations.


You can have your loved one:
• Eternally making excuses to avoid his routine family obligations;
• Performing a task so slowly and inefficiently that you decide to do it;
• Always complaining of being unappreciated while doing less and less;
• Showing a permanent pessimistic mood, even when all is going well;
• Making attempts at humor mixed with hurtful put downs and sarcasm toward you;
• Agree with you in private, then go out and side with others against you.

If passive-aggression is “crazy-making behavior,” which is its target? Of course it is your self-esteem! You, the perplexed person on the receiving end, already engaged with a passive aggressive husband or boyfriend, who doesn't know if she is loved or hated or both at the same time.....


You are so confused by his double message, (the contradiction between what he says and what he does), that you feel like screaming while he remains calm.

Women are supposed to use low voices and avoid shouting, and if you do, it suddenly seems like you are the aggressor!!! After several episodes of this routine, you end up believing this yourself. Then you are ready to apologize to him to end the discussion, and recover some peace....

The combined impact of these two behaviors will eventually wreck your relationship. Passive-aggression played in earnest, as if you were his enemy and not his partner, will eventually cripple any relationship, and especially an intimate one, where both have to trust and depend on each other to be safe and prosper.

If he continues the denial of his feelings of affection and connection with you, he will prevent the development of true intimacy and trust. Now, you are alone, because who wants to live with a person they can’t trust?

Searching for more information and support?
Here is more!

Our PA Husband Teleseminar was a success!

HERE IS THE POSTING BY LADYBEAMS, at our friend blog:

If you didn’t know already, last night was our first seminar for victims of passive aggressive partners or spouses. I thought it was a great stepping stone to the future. We had a great turn-out and conversations were flying. Thank you so much to all who joined us.

As usual there is always a technological glich or two, and this time was no exception. I personally like where you can talk and hear each other vs. a chatroom like atmosphere, but we got some good conversations and hopefully gave some good information. I’m looking forward to using some of the conversation here.

Nora Femenia launched her new book last nite at a discounted price for participants in the call. For a limited time still this discount will be page up. The book is titled “The Art of Living With A Passive Aggressive Husband”.

Just reading the page is helpful, as you can see. It’s a heck of a package, as she’s offering 2 coaching sessions when you purchase the book.

Here is the friendly blog:

http://padontstandforpaloalto.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/the-victims-of-passive-aggression/