Silent Treatment: are you a victim?

The silent treatment, also known as the "cold shoulder treatment," consists of feigned apathy, total silence, and being distant on purpose by one side of a couple. He or she displays an attitude of complete disinterest, as if the other person would be a complete stranger passing by.

This form of emotional abuse can be very disorienting. Being ignored on purpose by your husband, your most intimate ally crumbles your whole being. The experience can leave you thinking that you have been reduced to the level of a ghost, if your presence is systematically ignored and turned irrelevant.

Typically, the abuser does this as a form of non-physical punishment, with the purpose of showing his anger by making the other person feel unworthy, or worst, rejected. Is a very strong negative message delivered in a way that doesn't leave external traces: there are no signals of physical abuse.

Between the lines, what your abuser is trying to do is to manipulate you in the area of your self image by making you feel reduced to nothing he can show interest on. If he is not seeing you, or your qualities, who are you? Not more than a shadow! Here is a female voice:

"The thing that drives me the craziest is when he has had his cooling off time, he comes out to me and he is STILL angry and silent. He stares straight ahead at the TV with this filthy look on his face and pretends I am not even there. Like I'm invisible.”

"I really don't know what to do, or say. If I say "can we talk about this?" he will roll his eyes or tell me to shut up. He reconnects when and how he wants...while I wait in despair. I have truly lost hope. I don't know how much more I can take. When things are good between us life is incredible, but he has this Jekyll and Hyde thing going on... and I always feel like it is my fault, because I don't know how and why his cold shoulder towards me starts. What did I do to anger him so much as to be so cruel?"

In this kind of situation you will not realize first that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship because there is no physical contact or harm; only the feeling of being abandoned by him and his attention.

This rejection is sometimes called ostracism by another field of experts.

Now, when someone is ostracized it affects the part of their brain called the “anterior cingulate cortex.” Don’t worry; knowing what the anterior cingulate cortex does is more important than knowing how to pronounce it.

The anterior cingulate cortex is the part of your brain that goes off when it detects pain. When someone gives you the silent treatment, your brain tells you to treat it as physical pain.

This means that simply by ignoring your existence, someone can inflict pain on you. This is why using the “time out” as a punishment for children is so effective. The child feels ostracized, and therefore feels pain. Their brain tells them to behave in such a way that they don’t have to feel that pain again.

In other words, when we pull a muscle or break a bone, the pain we experience is the same as the pain felt when a loved one—whose validation and attention we need and seek—rejects us and gives us the silent treatment.

Why the abuser uses this weapon of control over you? He does the "cold shoulder" to avoid an uncomfortable situation, having to clarify issues with you in your relationship and issues within himself. Probably is difficult for him to connect with you and express what is bothering him; or he knows that his grievance against you is completely irrational and based on his own childhood perceptions, and not in the here and now with you. In any case, he needs to accept responsibility for his side of the problem!

Whatever the cause, it is difficult to truly understand why the victim allows this behavior to continue. In fact, it usually happens abruptly at first, and it looks like the husband is only silent because something is worrying him. Or is he deeply considering some issues that he will later share with you and find solutions for? The silent treatment may last for hours and even for weeks. Her initial confusion cannot be sustained for a long time because this cold shoulder can continue for weeks and ends up being a comfortable situation for him.

Relieved of the need to explain, find solutions, negotiate with the wife and be honest with himself, the husband has found a shortcut that allows him to continue in a relationship without facing its real challenges. He will prefer the shortcut of punishing his partner regularly without owning his own shortcomings, so he can keep his own self image protected without reality checks.

Generally, silent treatment leaves a lot of damage and scars. Though the cold treatment can be finished, the inflicted damage can still lead to frustration and confusion due to unresolved rejection issues.

Keep in mind that our purpose for being in a relationship is to feel that we are not alone and that we have someone to love and someone loves us back. If he makes her feel unimportant and there is no meaning in the relationship, then he is sabotaging the core of the relationship contract.

A rejected person will have to consider how much she can survive without receiving much expected loving and supportive feedback from the same person she has chosen to be her permanent admirer. At the point where his controlling and manipulative behavior leaves her lonely and frustrated, there is the need for a decision about what kind of future is possible for this relationship.

Perhaps at this point in the evolution of this controlling marriage, she will need external help, as therapy, family or friends can give, to restore her self -esteem and be able to face life without emotional abuse.

If there is any indication of control of one partner by the other using emotional abuse, then the whole future of the relationship is at stake. There is no relationship that can survive the destruction of the other's self-esteem as a means to maintain power and control. Please, consider getting help from a therapist or conflict coach or marriage counselor.

Assertion is the way out of passive aggressive behavior!

Have you ever been afraid of interpersonal conflicts and their consequences? Unsure of how to respond in a way that promotes a normal, respectful interaction? Are you in a relationship where there is a lot of isolation and rejection on purpose, so you are put in a hurtful, frustrating, and confusing situation? Are you feeling hurt and lonely in an intimate relationship?

You can learn a way to confront the person who's ignoring you without making things worse.

Probably nobody taught you in the past how to assert yourself, and in this way you did not had the skills necessary to face difficult interactions....ending in a place where you feel scared, controlled or abused.

Well, here is a way to build your self-esteem and know how to respond to the silent treatment and other exclusionary tactics in a way that respects what you do need, and also takes care of the relationship.

You don't have to deny the situation you are in, to "forget" that you are feeling scared or pushed into a little corner! Now you can learn how to turn around a situation and use it for better purposes. Then, you can learn how to use these easy methods in every aspect of your life: work, family, love.

Assertion is the art of saying what you need or believe in a way that other people can hear you clearly. This ability is essential for effective problem-solving. The alternatives to assertion are submission (letting other people's needs come before yours, which will happen if you accept the cold shoulder treatment for a long time) and aggression - forcing your needs on another person without their agreement. Both are lose-lose options.

Interested in continuing this conversation? You can read more in this article, and also you can find support for your assertion project here:

Limit the Passive Aggressive Husband's impact!

When dealing with a passive aggressive husband, it is easy to get frustrated. Their forgetfullness, lack of involvement, and all around negativity is bound to take a toll on you. While you may feel that it is impossible for him to change, taking one small step at a time will bring forth positive changes.


From a personal email received yesterday, we know that: "He absolutely has an passive aggressive personality. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing, is his fault. He gets angry and he can walk around the house giving me the silent treatment for days, even weeks. I am so hurt by it because it is so hard for me. I am a talker and communicator. I thrive on it. I teach high school."

If your husband is often behaving in a passive aggressive way, you must be sure to always be direct and straightfoward when speaking to him. Do not allow his passive aggressiveness to make you passive aggressive as well. Think of a defiant child.

When a child misbehaves, their behavior should not be rewarded, but corrected. A passive aggressive husband knows your weaknesses and will exploit them to his benefit. Do not fall into this trap. He is just trying to upset you and bring you down.

When setting limits with your husband, you first must decide what you would like him to change and what you are willing to live with. Realistically speaking, you will have to live with some of his quirks. Know what you absolutely need changed to survive in this relationship, and don’t be unrealistic in your expectations. To start with, you could ask him what he is willing to give.

Your passive aggressive husband may want to change as well, but maybe he needs your help in doing so. Try to stay patient with him and remember that he is breaking a life long habit. Your support can make all the difference.

The passive aggressive husband will often fall back on excuses to make himself feel better. You should never accept his excuses, as doing so will only cause him to repeat this behavior even more. If your husband has a problem of constantly forgetting things, you could try asking him how it would make him feel if you behaved in that same way towards the things that make his own life comfortable.

It is important to set limits with a passive aggressive husband. Remember to be realistic and stick to your limits. And, try to have fun, thinking on raising your teenager husband...