The power of recognition to change toxic silence

Is this barren land the territory of your relationship?







"My husband and I can barely have a discussion about anything without us getting thoroughly annoyed with each other (subject matter can be anything from the most mundane to the most sophisticated) because we are both hurting and feeling unloved and unfufilled by the other....so there’s not much of an effort to really engage.

Neither of us is excited by the other person’s ideas or feelings anymore, it is really all logistics.

The bad communication, constant traveling, blame blame blame and hurt hurt hurt followed by loneliness loneliness loneliness all happened first and then you add that passive aggression that blocks any initiative to communicate and we end up living like two zombies together...."

The interesting point is that both feel unloved by the other....Reading some of Chloe Madanes' work, she mentions six human needs, of which love and connection is one very important and the other is recognition.

What if, (assuming that you have a bit of energy to apply to your relationship), you decide that you are fulfilling some of these needs in your partner? To break the cycle, perhaps to change the dynamics...whatever the motivation, it will be the equivalent of a guerrilla attack on the other....At the moment when he or she is waiting exactly nothing, you provide some recognition? It's shocking!

It doesn't need to be anything elaborate, enough to say "It's good that you filled the gas tank in the car, so I can use it now...." and leave it there. Find something real to appreciate, there is no need to invent any fake characteristic because it will received as a cruel irony.

Basically, see with other eyes: find some positive aspect, and mention it with no sarcasm or irony.
And wait. See the changes....there must be some softening of positions, or less anger in the air, or suddenly the silence becomes communication again.

We all have those needs...it's important to offer positive reinforcement of the truly good qualities of the other. Don't evaluate if the other deserves or not some praise, just do it. And see the dynamics change for good.

Limit the Passive Aggressive Husband's impact!

When dealing with a passive aggressive husband, it is easy to get frustrated. Their forgetfullness, lack of involvement, and all around negativity is bound to take a toll on you. While you may feel that it is impossible for him to change, taking one small step at a time will bring forth positive changes.


From a personal email received yesterday, we know that: "He absolutely has an passive aggressive personality. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing, is his fault. He gets angry and he can walk around the house giving me the silent treatment for days, even weeks. I am so hurt by it because it is so hard for me. I am a talker and communicator. I thrive on it. I teach high school."

If your husband is often behaving in a passive aggressive way, you must be sure to always be direct and straightfoward when speaking to him. Do not allow his passive aggressiveness to make you passive aggressive as well. Think of a defiant child.

When a child misbehaves, their behavior should not be rewarded, but corrected. A passive aggressive husband knows your weaknesses and will exploit them to his benefit. Do not fall into this trap. He is just trying to upset you and bring you down.

When setting limits with your husband, you first must decide what you would like him to change and what you are willing to live with. Realistically speaking, you will have to live with some of his quirks. Know what you absolutely need changed to survive in this relationship, and don’t be unrealistic in your expectations. To start with, you could ask him what he is willing to give.

Your passive aggressive husband may want to change as well, but maybe he needs your help in doing so. Try to stay patient with him and remember that he is breaking a life long habit. Your support can make all the difference.

The passive aggressive husband will often fall back on excuses to make himself feel better. You should never accept his excuses, as doing so will only cause him to repeat this behavior even more. If your husband has a problem of constantly forgetting things, you could try asking him how it would make him feel if you behaved in that same way towards the things that make his own life comfortable.

It is important to set limits with a passive aggressive husband. Remember to be realistic and stick to your limits. And, try to have fun, thinking on raising your teenager husband...