Practising the art of conflict avoidance in marital relations

When facing the task of sharing my ideas around…there is always this question before me: who would be interested? 

Let’s assume that you are interested in this short reflection?

Speaking about conflict is a gray area…people normally don’t want to focus on it, but when confronted with painful situations that demand a response now…

That is the moment when you want to recall or know the strategies to manage this overwhelming situation…and you don’t have them.

In my own life, conflict seemed to ambush me. Unexpected situations where others were upset at me, about reasons I could not understand…silly behaviors done without any bad intentions, done out of routine decisions, were interpreted as purposeful offenses. 

I didn’t know how to deal with those sudden confrontations, coming out of the blue!

What I never saw coming, was the impact that my own actions could have on others. It was as if I was inside a bubble, only accountable to myself, going along in a world where nobody else was connected with me. People wanting to confront me felt as if they needed to shake up my bubble by screaming at me…or so they told me! 

Has it happened to you? people telling you that whatever you are doing, on your own, however stupid or banal, is for them an offense, an attack or a sleigh of hand? 

I was forced to look at the inter-connectedness of all people…if I go to my office dressing in this or that way, how are people going to react? what kind of message, conscious or unconscious am I sending them? The impact of this perspective is sometimes too much! I want to say: “whatever others think of me is their own business, I don’t have to care about their experiences with me…it’s all in their imagination!”

Now, please, imagine the same scenario between two married people…and the possibilities are dizzying…  There is no easy escape hatch: I can’t say: it’s all in his/her imagination…because that imagination is an active part of the marriage deal: I see you, you see me; then, I see you seeing me, and imagining or interpreting Z, but is really X, (I said: “No dinner today, I will not cook”) and you saw my laziness when I wanted to express my being so tired…You see me seeing you, and coming up with a view of you that is insulting, or demeaning, or denigrating my intentions…

Of course, you know what is coming…I had to begin sending messages and a disclaimer at the same time:

HERE IS THE MESSAGE: “Can we get take out food tonight? Can you get something fast?”

HERE IS THE DISCLAIMER: “I’m telling you this, because I want you to understand my (feelings: I’m dead tired today ) and we need to come up with the best solution to get dinner on the table fast”

I don’t have an easier solution here. Only the option of explaining myself all the time, (for a looong time…) up to the moment when the other person, just by looking at me, will infer the right reason I’m doing X….at this moment, perhaps this is the best definition of a good marriage I can come up with: “a permanent situation where the other person can see my motivations in the right way and go along, without me having to explain myself all the time.”

Now, wouldn’t it be a good thing? It looks like being recognized as the person I am! such a wonderful thing…So much, that I’m ready to fight if I don’t get it!

Silent Treatment: are you a victim?

The silent treatment, also known as the "cold shoulder treatment," consists of feigned apathy, total silence, and being distant on purpose by one side of a couple. He or she displays an attitude of complete disinterest, as if the other person would be a complete stranger passing by.

This form of emotional abuse can be very disorienting. Being ignored on purpose by your husband, your most intimate ally crumbles your whole being. The experience can leave you thinking that you have been reduced to the level of a ghost, if your presence is systematically ignored and turned irrelevant.

Typically, the abuser does this as a form of non-physical punishment, with the purpose of showing his anger by making the other person feel unworthy, or worst, rejected. Is a very strong negative message delivered in a way that doesn't leave external traces: there are no signals of physical abuse.

Between the lines, what your abuser is trying to do is to manipulate you in the area of your self image by making you feel reduced to nothing he can show interest on. If he is not seeing you, or your qualities, who are you? Not more than a shadow! Here is a female voice:

"The thing that drives me the craziest is when he has had his cooling off time, he comes out to me and he is STILL angry and silent. He stares straight ahead at the TV with this filthy look on his face and pretends I am not even there. Like I'm invisible.”

"I really don't know what to do, or say. If I say "can we talk about this?" he will roll his eyes or tell me to shut up. He reconnects when and how he wants...while I wait in despair. I have truly lost hope. I don't know how much more I can take. When things are good between us life is incredible, but he has this Jekyll and Hyde thing going on... and I always feel like it is my fault, because I don't know how and why his cold shoulder towards me starts. What did I do to anger him so much as to be so cruel?"

In this kind of situation you will not realize first that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship because there is no physical contact or harm; only the feeling of being abandoned by him and his attention.

This rejection is sometimes called ostracism by another field of experts.

Now, when someone is ostracized it affects the part of their brain called the “anterior cingulate cortex.” Don’t worry; knowing what the anterior cingulate cortex does is more important than knowing how to pronounce it.

The anterior cingulate cortex is the part of your brain that goes off when it detects pain. When someone gives you the silent treatment, your brain tells you to treat it as physical pain.

This means that simply by ignoring your existence, someone can inflict pain on you. This is why using the “time out” as a punishment for children is so effective. The child feels ostracized, and therefore feels pain. Their brain tells them to behave in such a way that they don’t have to feel that pain again.

In other words, when we pull a muscle or break a bone, the pain we experience is the same as the pain felt when a loved one—whose validation and attention we need and seek—rejects us and gives us the silent treatment.

Why the abuser uses this weapon of control over you? He does the "cold shoulder" to avoid an uncomfortable situation, having to clarify issues with you in your relationship and issues within himself. Probably is difficult for him to connect with you and express what is bothering him; or he knows that his grievance against you is completely irrational and based on his own childhood perceptions, and not in the here and now with you. In any case, he needs to accept responsibility for his side of the problem!

Whatever the cause, it is difficult to truly understand why the victim allows this behavior to continue. In fact, it usually happens abruptly at first, and it looks like the husband is only silent because something is worrying him. Or is he deeply considering some issues that he will later share with you and find solutions for? The silent treatment may last for hours and even for weeks. Her initial confusion cannot be sustained for a long time because this cold shoulder can continue for weeks and ends up being a comfortable situation for him.

Relieved of the need to explain, find solutions, negotiate with the wife and be honest with himself, the husband has found a shortcut that allows him to continue in a relationship without facing its real challenges. He will prefer the shortcut of punishing his partner regularly without owning his own shortcomings, so he can keep his own self image protected without reality checks.

Generally, silent treatment leaves a lot of damage and scars. Though the cold treatment can be finished, the inflicted damage can still lead to frustration and confusion due to unresolved rejection issues.

Keep in mind that our purpose for being in a relationship is to feel that we are not alone and that we have someone to love and someone loves us back. If he makes her feel unimportant and there is no meaning in the relationship, then he is sabotaging the core of the relationship contract.

A rejected person will have to consider how much she can survive without receiving much expected loving and supportive feedback from the same person she has chosen to be her permanent admirer. At the point where his controlling and manipulative behavior leaves her lonely and frustrated, there is the need for a decision about what kind of future is possible for this relationship.

Perhaps at this point in the evolution of this controlling marriage, she will need external help, as therapy, family or friends can give, to restore her self -esteem and be able to face life without emotional abuse.

If there is any indication of control of one partner by the other using emotional abuse, then the whole future of the relationship is at stake. There is no relationship that can survive the destruction of the other's self-esteem as a means to maintain power and control. Please, consider getting help from a therapist or conflict coach or marriage counselor.