Are there long, hostile silences in your home?

Well, you already know that this is a special kind of isolation, right?...
no reasons, no dispute, but you are left in the dark of why you are being ignored by his silence...


And if you ask, you will be answered with a curt "Nothing, why do you ask"? response!


Want to know more? We have the complete description of what you need to have instead of long silences, at the Passive aggressive husband site!

See you there! and inviting you to leave your own comments.....

The power of recognition to change toxic silence

Is this barren land the territory of your relationship?







"My husband and I can barely have a discussion about anything without us getting thoroughly annoyed with each other (subject matter can be anything from the most mundane to the most sophisticated) because we are both hurting and feeling unloved and unfufilled by the other....so there’s not much of an effort to really engage.

Neither of us is excited by the other person’s ideas or feelings anymore, it is really all logistics.

The bad communication, constant traveling, blame blame blame and hurt hurt hurt followed by loneliness loneliness loneliness all happened first and then you add that passive aggression that blocks any initiative to communicate and we end up living like two zombies together...."

The interesting point is that both feel unloved by the other....Reading some of Chloe Madanes' work, she mentions six human needs, of which love and connection is one very important and the other is recognition.

What if, (assuming that you have a bit of energy to apply to your relationship), you decide that you are fulfilling some of these needs in your partner? To break the cycle, perhaps to change the dynamics...whatever the motivation, it will be the equivalent of a guerrilla attack on the other....At the moment when he or she is waiting exactly nothing, you provide some recognition? It's shocking!

It doesn't need to be anything elaborate, enough to say "It's good that you filled the gas tank in the car, so I can use it now...." and leave it there. Find something real to appreciate, there is no need to invent any fake characteristic because it will received as a cruel irony.

Basically, see with other eyes: find some positive aspect, and mention it with no sarcasm or irony.
And wait. See the changes....there must be some softening of positions, or less anger in the air, or suddenly the silence becomes communication again.

We all have those needs...it's important to offer positive reinforcement of the truly good qualities of the other. Don't evaluate if the other deserves or not some praise, just do it. And see the dynamics change for good.

Responding to a Silent Partner

When there is something that irritates your partner, you don't get any inking of his/her disgust. What you get is more silence than before...

Have you already learned to interpret more silence as anger?

You'd better do...your loved one is swallowing his feelings, ignoring and denying that there is a conflict to be resolved, and and in general withdrawing cooperation from daily life.

Perhaps you can see yourself excluded from some projects, no notice given, or find that there is no follow-through to previous projects...This is the time to ask yourself: could it be that he is angry as hell, and can't show it?

Scary as it can be, it's true that some angry reaction is brewing, and that is your task to bring it up to a level where it can be confronted and resolved. NOTHING will happen, but more hidden anger, if you don't step up to the plate and do something.

First, the self-care help: don't feel invalidated or criticized; maintain your self-esteem and think of the situation as produced by his non-existent skills at conflict resolution. It's not your fault, OK?

Refuse to match the denial and begin your talk about "our present concern" in terms of a shared responsibility. Offer a supportive mood: "we'll talk about it as soon as you feel ready" and keep being clear about the issue: "we both need to have a shared decision on this issue, because it's important to both of us."

And clarify your expectations: if this person has a way to discuss things with you, and this is a momentary situation, be encouraged and keep supporting. If he has not the disposition or habit to discuss things with you, and focus only on his hurt feelings, you can have a steeper battle in front of you.

Marriage is a shared endeavor, and we need talk to share opinions, ask questions, and decide issues. As much as your silent partner bails out from this task, and leaves you alone deciding things for the two of them, you don't have a husband but a dependent child. It's now the time for you to make that distinction?