The power of recognition to change toxic silence

Is this barren land the territory of your relationship?







"My husband and I can barely have a discussion about anything without us getting thoroughly annoyed with each other (subject matter can be anything from the most mundane to the most sophisticated) because we are both hurting and feeling unloved and unfufilled by the other....so there’s not much of an effort to really engage.

Neither of us is excited by the other person’s ideas or feelings anymore, it is really all logistics.

The bad communication, constant traveling, blame blame blame and hurt hurt hurt followed by loneliness loneliness loneliness all happened first and then you add that passive aggression that blocks any initiative to communicate and we end up living like two zombies together...."

The interesting point is that both feel unloved by the other....Reading some of Chloe Madanes' work, she mentions six human needs, of which love and connection is one very important and the other is recognition.

What if, (assuming that you have a bit of energy to apply to your relationship), you decide that you are fulfilling some of these needs in your partner? To break the cycle, perhaps to change the dynamics...whatever the motivation, it will be the equivalent of a guerrilla attack on the other....At the moment when he or she is waiting exactly nothing, you provide some recognition? It's shocking!

It doesn't need to be anything elaborate, enough to say "It's good that you filled the gas tank in the car, so I can use it now...." and leave it there. Find something real to appreciate, there is no need to invent any fake characteristic because it will received as a cruel irony.

Basically, see with other eyes: find some positive aspect, and mention it with no sarcasm or irony.
And wait. See the changes....there must be some softening of positions, or less anger in the air, or suddenly the silence becomes communication again.

We all have those needs...it's important to offer positive reinforcement of the truly good qualities of the other. Don't evaluate if the other deserves or not some praise, just do it. And see the dynamics change for good.

"Forgetfulness" by a Passive Aggressive Spouse

I’d like you to meet Tim and Jane. Outwardly, Tim appears happy, agreeable, and obliging. But when Jane asks Tim to do something for her, things never seem to get done properly, or sometimes get done at all. When Jane asks Tim to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home, he forgets. When she asks Tim to help tidy up the living room, he does such a poor job that Jane ends up doing it all herself. Why does this always happen? Tim always says he’ll do it, but very rarely does he ever follow through.

Does this sound familiar? Then you may be dealing with a passive aggressive spouse. The passive aggressive spouse is angry inside, but is unable, or unwilling to share his feelings with his spouse in an upfront manner. As a result, he takes out his frustrations on his wife in a passive way.

A common sign of passive aggressiveness is a spouse that is constantly forgetting to do things. Just as Tim forgets to get the dry cleaning, or forgets to clean the living room, the passive aggressive spouse will say “sure, I’ll do it,” but in the end, he will deliberately lose sight of what he had just agreed to do. This forgetfullness may seem innocent at first, but eventually it will grow into a routine with the ability to destroy a marriage.

This pattern of passive aggressiveness often begins in childhood. Think of what happens when you ask a child to put away their toys. The child will say yes, but instead procrastinates, starts playing with something else, and ignores what he should be doing. Before you know it, an hour has passed an not a single toy has been put away. While this is acceptable behavior for a child, it is not acceptable for the pattern to continue into adulthood.

If your spouse is frequently "forgetting" to do things, you may want to consider that it is passive aggressive behavior. What do you do next? It depends of the relationship, the time you have been married to him (the longer the time, the more resistant to changes he will be) and of your needs to really have his support...

More information on this kind of passive aggression and its impact on marriages can be found on our blog.

Are you being punished with isolation?

Is this a case of cold shoulder? Are you being punished with isolation?

The silent treatment is a form of social punishment. It consists of ignoring a particular individual, neither speaking to them not responding to their words.

Is equal to avoid deliberately; keep away from; an aloof refusal to speak to someone you know.

Maintenance of aloof silence toward another as an expression of one's anger or disapproval: a deliberate discourteous act (as an expression of anger or disapproval) can really hurt. If you are tempted to use this sanction against your partner, know that it can be lethal for the relationship.

Are you getting the cold shoulder, but you don't know why? Is someone who's normally eager to speak to you now keeping your conversations to the bare minimum? This can be hurtful, frustrating, and confusing. Here's how to confront the person who's ignoring you without making things worse.

Steps
Make sure you're not just being paranoid. Perhaps he or she is being quiet because someone in his family is ill, or she's having personal problems. In this case, you shouldn't take it personally - let them have their space. But, you need to worry if this person is:

• only acting quietly towards you and not towards others,
• and for an extended period of time,

Question your own behavior. When did they start giving you the silent treatment? What happened that day, or the days right before their behavior changed? Could you have done or said something that was insensitive? Did something change? Try to understand what could've set off the silence. Narrow it down to a few possibilities and try to think of how you can fix the situation, if the problem is real and it happened and you can see it.

Rehearse what you're going to say. It's easy to get nervous and/or defensive, or to come off the wrong way, if you aren't prepared. Close your eyes and imagine you're alone with this person and say out loud what you want to say.

Begin by apologizing if you did something to offend or hurt the person, even if you're not sure what it is. Say something like "Look, I'm sorry if I've done or said something stupid to you."
Tell them that you value their company or friendship. (E.g. "I've really enjoyed spending time/working with you.")

Let him or her know that if something's bothering them, you're all ears.

Offer to leave them alone. After all, a silent treatment indicates that he or she no longer wants to speak with you for whatever reason. If they won't share or discuss the reason, there's not much else you can do. Just have the person confirm openly that he or she wants you to stop talking to them. If they say yes, they want you to leave them alone, then leave them alone. If they say no, or not really, or I'm not sure, then say something like "Well, what's going on? Maybe we can figure something out together."

Speak to the person when you're alone and are unlikely to be interrupted. Then get to the point: "I care about you and the relationship, and keeping silent will not help us reconnect. Can you tell me what is wrong?"

A WORD OF CAUTION:

If there is no dialogue after your honest attempt at reconciliation, the capacity of your partner of hoarding anger and righteous indignation is scary. He wants to be right, not to re-connect. If this happens very often, then it will be for her a means of controlling you and transform you in a human wreck. If there is no negotiation, you need to have a careful look at the situation, and evaluate the impact of this moral pain in your health. Is this relationship worth this kind of stress? You got together because you wanted support, company and recognition; if you get punishment and isolation, what is the point? something is very wrong here, and you need to be self protective, so explore carefully the possibility of getting external help for this relationship.