Practising the art of conflict avoidance in marital relations

When facing the task of sharing my ideas around…there is always this question before me: who would be interested? 

Let’s assume that you are interested in this short reflection?

Speaking about conflict is a gray area…people normally don’t want to focus on it, but when confronted with painful situations that demand a response now…

That is the moment when you want to recall or know the strategies to manage this overwhelming situation…and you don’t have them.

In my own life, conflict seemed to ambush me. Unexpected situations where others were upset at me, about reasons I could not understand…silly behaviors done without any bad intentions, done out of routine decisions, were interpreted as purposeful offenses. 

I didn’t know how to deal with those sudden confrontations, coming out of the blue!

What I never saw coming, was the impact that my own actions could have on others. It was as if I was inside a bubble, only accountable to myself, going along in a world where nobody else was connected with me. People wanting to confront me felt as if they needed to shake up my bubble by screaming at me…or so they told me! 

Has it happened to you? people telling you that whatever you are doing, on your own, however stupid or banal, is for them an offense, an attack or a sleigh of hand? 

I was forced to look at the inter-connectedness of all people…if I go to my office dressing in this or that way, how are people going to react? what kind of message, conscious or unconscious am I sending them? The impact of this perspective is sometimes too much! I want to say: “whatever others think of me is their own business, I don’t have to care about their experiences with me…it’s all in their imagination!”

Now, please, imagine the same scenario between two married people…and the possibilities are dizzying…  There is no easy escape hatch: I can’t say: it’s all in his/her imagination…because that imagination is an active part of the marriage deal: I see you, you see me; then, I see you seeing me, and imagining or interpreting Z, but is really X, (I said: “No dinner today, I will not cook”) and you saw my laziness when I wanted to express my being so tired…You see me seeing you, and coming up with a view of you that is insulting, or demeaning, or denigrating my intentions…

Of course, you know what is coming…I had to begin sending messages and a disclaimer at the same time:

HERE IS THE MESSAGE: “Can we get take out food tonight? Can you get something fast?”

HERE IS THE DISCLAIMER: “I’m telling you this, because I want you to understand my (feelings: I’m dead tired today ) and we need to come up with the best solution to get dinner on the table fast”

I don’t have an easier solution here. Only the option of explaining myself all the time, (for a looong time…) up to the moment when the other person, just by looking at me, will infer the right reason I’m doing X….at this moment, perhaps this is the best definition of a good marriage I can come up with: “a permanent situation where the other person can see my motivations in the right way and go along, without me having to explain myself all the time.”

Now, wouldn’t it be a good thing? It looks like being recognized as the person I am! such a wonderful thing…So much, that I’m ready to fight if I don’t get it!

How to Transform Emotional Abuse into Resiliency

I just Published a Kindle Book that offers a new approach to overcome abuse in relationships. 

Stopping Emotional Abuse:
the new Workbook to recover and Grow Resilience from Emotional Abuse

This new book on emotional abuse has been published on the kindle store, offering a new, different angle to the common discussion about what is emotional abuse, the definition of emotional abuse, how to understand emotional abuse in relationships, how women can recover from its impact.

In this book offers a very creative angle to frame abusive situations, as they are not destructive situations conducive to self-esteem reduction, but learning opportunities to acquire new and valuable resilience skills.

The previous “victim of emotional abuse” is here described as a survivor who is a “heroine-in-training, ” going through new milestones in the process of her own self-development.
This is a valuable and innovative approach because it takes away the painful stigma of “emotional abuse victim, ” and makes the woman a co-creator of her own experience.

Why and how she has entered into an emotionally abusive relationship is not something that “happens to her, ” but a chosen circumstance in her own self-growth path.

Using Caroline Miss’ concept of “Sacred Contract” to support a new definition of abuse. It’s like Conflict Coach is telling the reader, her sister: “Psst, don’t forget that you have chosen this experience to learn the most precious skills of resilience.,.. so hurry up to learn them so you can leave and go on to enjoy happier situations... ”

The clear progression of the self-development milestones, together with the exercises and videos included in the book and in general the positive, easy reading of the chapters, all make of this book a wonderful new tool for women who need to recover their mission in life while going through personal hell as experiencing emotional abuse in their love relationship.

Stopping Emotional Abuse:
the new Workbook to recover and Grow Resilience from Emotional Abuse

This book can transform your whole perception of the emotional abuse, and give you a new definition that empowers and motivates very necessary changes!

Communication Without Connection Can Be an Empty Desert

“My husband and I can barely have a discussion about anything without us getting thoroughly annoyed with each other (subject matter can be anything from the most mundane to the most sophisticated) because we are both hurting and feeling unloved... so there’s not much of an effort to really engage our interest in the other person’s ideas or feelings anymore.

The bad communication, constant traveling, blame blame blame and hurt hurt hurt followed by silence silence silence and loneliness loneliness loneliness all happened first and then you add that to a passive aggressive type A constantly working business man who is blameless and always focusing on “facts and data” vs. emotions and feelings... and you get to this place.”

To avoid getting to this place, women usually try to ask, demand, invite and cajole husbands into “better communication.” They even make appointments with counselors and therapists and priests to get help.The more they press for communication that includes reference to feelings (husband’s feelings) the more he is in alien territory and more and more distraught by the request. Isn’t it enough to bring home the bacon? What else does she want, that he can’t or will not provide by his own will?

Of course, the usual response is more silence, more isolation and more defensive talk about how she is pushing him or forcing him to something that:

• Is not his responsibility.
• It is obviously in her sphere of action (the feelings talk).

So, why is he forced to say things he doesn’t feel/know/care about? It is better to clam up, and wait for the storm to pass! Or, if he is forced, he will promise anything, only to get her off his back.

End of story!

Finally, they can be truly bewildered at how frustrated the wife gets with them.

If confronted with their intentional non-compliance, and the sad result of their efforts that doesn’t solve the original problem, they will bemoan bitterly that “you’re so demanding or impossible” and that “nothing is ever good enough for you.”

An impossible trap?

Of course it is! The final point is, let’s be aware that we are looking at a battle in the war for control. The passive aggressive person is fighting a hidden war for “who controls this relationship,” by using his own tactics, of which she is unaware of. Perhaps framing this as a fight for control could help understand such a destructive communication style.

What is needed now is a way to break the barrier, really invite each side to listen to the real feelings underneath the silence, and find a humane way of appreciating each other’s best aspects.

A Valentine for your inner child? Why not?

This is what happened yesterday: in a general store, getting things for my kitchen, all the decor was full with different kinds of red hearts…Of course! It’s Valentine’s Day!….

Suddenly I found myself grabbing one of the balloons…and my left hand felt curiously small, kind of tiny…it would not let the balloon go as I went through the cashier. She rang everything up and I found myself walking out with a gorgeous red balloon with the “I love you” message screaming across it.

My rational mind asking: what’s going on here? why did you buy this balloon? who is this balloon for?

And the answer was loud and clear:  this balloon is for my inner child…Of course! she needs to hear from me, her adult self, that I cherish her!

As I never forgot her completely, but went through periods in which I could only remember the painful parts of her life I wanted so much to forget, now I have a better picture. I can see all her creativity, her survival skills deploying under extreme duress, emotional abuse and lack of appreciation. I can see her resourcefulness to find small joys in a bleak childhood, which translated into being a smart survivor now…

And this is a good opportunity to tell her, with all my love, that I recognize her, appreciate her tenacity and ability to resist oppression without denying the joys of life. She was a joyful survivor, never a bitter one. Always founding in a bit of sunshine, a flower, a smile, the energy to keep living, learning and dreaming a better future…Of course you are my Valentine!

To my inner child, now I’m sending this loving Valentine; you deserve it more than anybody else. Wherever the alternative time you are in now, you are in my heart, always…thanks for surviving everything and bringing me here and now!

A Valentine for your inner child? why not?

The power of recognition to change toxic silence

Is this barren land the territory of your relationship?







"My husband and I can barely have a discussion about anything without us getting thoroughly annoyed with each other (subject matter can be anything from the most mundane to the most sophisticated) because we are both hurting and feeling unloved and unfufilled by the other....so there’s not much of an effort to really engage.

Neither of us is excited by the other person’s ideas or feelings anymore, it is really all logistics.

The bad communication, constant traveling, blame blame blame and hurt hurt hurt followed by loneliness loneliness loneliness all happened first and then you add that passive aggression that blocks any initiative to communicate and we end up living like two zombies together...."

The interesting point is that both feel unloved by the other....Reading some of Chloe Madanes' work, she mentions six human needs, of which love and connection is one very important and the other is recognition.

What if, (assuming that you have a bit of energy to apply to your relationship), you decide that you are fulfilling some of these needs in your partner? To break the cycle, perhaps to change the dynamics...whatever the motivation, it will be the equivalent of a guerrilla attack on the other....At the moment when he or she is waiting exactly nothing, you provide some recognition? It's shocking!

It doesn't need to be anything elaborate, enough to say "It's good that you filled the gas tank in the car, so I can use it now...." and leave it there. Find something real to appreciate, there is no need to invent any fake characteristic because it will received as a cruel irony.

Basically, see with other eyes: find some positive aspect, and mention it with no sarcasm or irony.
And wait. See the changes....there must be some softening of positions, or less anger in the air, or suddenly the silence becomes communication again.

We all have those needs...it's important to offer positive reinforcement of the truly good qualities of the other. Don't evaluate if the other deserves or not some praise, just do it. And see the dynamics change for good.

Defend yourself from Passive Aggressive behaviors!

At first glance, a passive aggressive individual doesn't come across as too angry or acting with a hidden agenda. They appear quite friendly, unassuming and benevolent.

However, after interacting with this style of behavior, you often feel frustrated, offended, guilty or angry. Or depressed, if you have to listen to their always negative view of existence! While not your intention, you may think you did something wrong, but aren't quite sure what it was.

Many relationships, and most counseling professionals, have encountered this inconsistent behavioral pattern. It can be very confusing and often thought of as "crazy-making,” because passive aggressive behavior expresses negative feelings, resentment and anger in an unassertive, almost hidden and passive way.
We are beginning now to think in the multiple ways people can defend from this hidden aggression tactics. Of course, you need first to be aware of when the PA person is doing something to you that will hit you later. And then you need to have a clear view of what you want from the relationship, to be able to put a stop to that relationship wrecker attitude.

Want to know more? we are waiting for you at:

http://creativeconflicts.com/2009/02/fight-back-passive-aggressive-actions/